Yeah yeah yeah, I'm an inconsistent blogger.

I'm always assuming that I have more time to complete tasks, arrive places, get ready etc, than I do in reality. Meaning, I'm always rushed, late, or not following up with things that I truly intend to. I have poor time management. All of the people close to me and my family, know this trait. In fact, E adds about 25 minutes to any of my time estimates and always tells me we need to leave 15 minutes earlier than we actually do so we aren't late. It's unnecessary stress, but I'm accustomed to picking up gifts on the way to the party, wrapping them in the car and showing up 45 minutes late. I get it from my mother.

I try to cram a 15 things in a space of time that I can really only complete 5. Sometimes I can push hard and make it happen. I think subconsciously, I see it as a challenge. If I aim to finish an obscene amount of tasks in a short period of time, but still manage to get close to that goal, I feel accomplished. I don't like to waste time when there are things to be done. This is why people ask me to help them pack and clean their houses/apartments when they're moving out, I get things done. Not always perfectly, but good enough and FAST.

The point of this is: I thought I would be a consistent blogger because it's summer and I have more time. The reality is: I don't. Or I'm not managing it properly. Do they offer time management courses in college? I should do that if they do...

School registration is in 16 days. I still have not taken my math placement exam. I started studying today and have found that I have almost completely forgotten everything. I started with pre-algebra study questions and had to ask for help on #1 and #2 and #3.... and so on. Luckily, E is a math genius and is so patiently walking me through it all. I had to be reminded of that acronym Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally? Yeah, I didn't remember that shit. So, I'm studying and I need to take the test by next week.

On the topic of my stupid effing car:

I hate Bernita. I hate her so much. I also have found a new and interesting source of complete and utter debilitating anxiety. Selling things. I simply can't do it. It's not because I'm lazy, or shy, or anything like that, but I swear I have developed ulcers through this process. I have cried after each customer has left (not purchasing) because I am embarrassed and felt so stressed by the presence of these strangers that I am supposed to persuade to buy something that I DON'T BELIEVE IN. If I was a better liar or faker maybe I could do it, but I am so NOT ok with selling something that I stand firmly against. Even though it's just a car, it's just a food cart, but I resent them so wholly that I would rather drive them off a cliff than wish them on someone else.

E and I have faced some conflict based upon these 2 items, and yesterday it came to a head. I have been wanting to replace my iPhone since it was stolen in Vegas a month ago, but I am on the brink of buying a brand new car. I sat down with him and said simply "You know how badly I want to buy the iPhone 5, I need you to either talk me out of it or tell me that you won't judge me." He responded with something along the lines of, "You can't have it all, Baby." Then as the conversation moved forward, her revealed to me that the reason why we aren't engaged is because my expenses over the last 3 months have completely drained the "ring fund." I cried. I cried a lot. I'm riding the crimson wave pretty hard at this point, but emotions heightened or what have you, that makes me sad.

So he said out loud what I have known all along, "when something doesn't go the way you want it to, you ditch it and go in another direction." It's the truth about my character up until this point. I give up and turn away from things that make me feel inferior, rather than facing and overcoming them. He opened this up and I melted down. There is that resounding feeling of failure. He went on to talk about how I was young when I made these investments and everyone does stupid shit when they're young and blah-dee-dah, but that it's time for me to buck up and deal with it. When I told him I didn't know if I could physically handle the anxiety, he and I made an agreement that he will take on the responsibility of selling my items if he gets paid by the hour for his work. I don't know if I have ever been more relieved in my entire life. Right now the car is in the shop for final repairs, then he will sell it privately and sell the food cart, and then I will have the money to pay off all of my debt, reimburse E for all of his hard work, buy a new car and have some cash left over.

It will be a huge weight off of both of our shoulders.

By the way. I know what car I want, I test drove it. It's awesome and beautiful and incredible and I love it. It turned out to be the 2014 Mazda CX-5 Touring edition in Meteor grey mica.

The running:
I blew off a couple runs last week, but kicked it right back into gear.

I did a 2 mile with Amy on the waterfront in Portland on Friday, that was fun. We ran decent, I don't remember the actual speed... something like 11 minutes per mile. Bear in mind that I was hungover. I don't feel badly about that speed, because we followed up our run by like a million  6-7 miles of walking downtown.

On Saturday there were all kinds of social events. Baby party, My sister, Erin's, Birthday BBQ. Both parties were a success. There was a lot of eating. About 50 desserts and a tummy ache. But only one glass of sangria and no cigarettes. I was in fine form, and should have been itching to run the next day, but I wasn't. So I didn't

But on Monday I did by 40 minute easy run and was a complete success!

Check out that time BRO! I did that on the waterfront as well and it was a great run, felt that awesome runner's high after.

Today I did my 2 miler with the dog, which always makes me slow, he drags, but it was alright. I did some hills today also.

In conclusion:

I am so incredibly lucky to have a patient, loving and problem solving man to call my partner.
I'm becoming a better runner.
I'm excited to get back into school and a routine, where I will consistently blog.
I'm working on being more patient and to face my demons.
Poodles, pancakes, friends and the mailman.

Unfortunate Circumstances Lead to Expensive Solutions

My life these days. Ridiculous.

So my damn car broke down AGAIN.

Tip: NEVER BUY A BMW X5. They're pretty and whisper your name and have heated seats and awesome sound systems... they're like a siren really. THEY WILL KILL YOU.

Moral of the story, I'm an idiot and thought I could handle the expense and I unfortunately cannot. Nor can I handle the anxiety of all of the angry lights and service engine warnings and $1200 repair fees on the reg.

Bernita being hauled away for the last time.

So I'm picking up my car from the shop today, only to detail it and sell it as soon as possible. If you know any poor souls that have a pension for luxury vehicles that kill you softly, this one has been well taken care of. It has had all of the suggested maintenance for it's mileage, including (but certainly not limited to) a new alternator, transmission flush, spark plugs, new coolant reservoir, transfer casing and fluid (whatever that means) has good tires and brakes and needs to be sold ASAP. Craigslist listing to come.

I'm buying a new car. Here's what I'm going to test drive:

2013 Kia Soul

2013 Subaru Forrester

2014 Mazda CX-5

The Kia because I think it's cute and I don't care what you think, also it's about $10k cheaper than the alternatives. Subaru because I love Subarus and I like the new body style of the Forrester, it also is ranked #2 in crossovers because of fuel economy, reliability and safety. The Mazda CX-5 is my front runner. I mean, look at it. Also, it's ranked #1 in new crossovers, has great gas mileage, inexpensive maintenance and a nice interior. Let's be real, that's what I care about, I bought a BMW. UUUUghh.

I'm excited for a new car. I wish it wasn't coming at such a price, meaning, I just spent about $2500 in the shop and my Bimmer will only sell for around $9k. Ready for it to be over, but not thrilled with the lesson learned.

Don't live beyond your means.

Anyway, I just finished leftover fish tacos and a glass of ice cold Coca Cola for breakfast...in bed. WINNER!

It was really good, and fish tacos aren't that bad for you. I did rockfish and cod. I found this marinade online. I love it and use it for chicken, carne asada and fish, you can find it here Mexican marinade. Really delicious. I even used the leftover marinade to toss the cabbage in, turned out awesome. I think my favorite part of the tacos might have been the creamy avocado sauce I made up.

1/2 avocado
1/4 c greek yogurt
1/4c cilantro
juice from 1/2 lime
clove of carlic
salt
Pinch Ancho chili powder
Milk for desired thickness

I just threw it all in the blender and crossed my fingers. Love it. Plan to dip tortilla chips in it later.

So about the running. I've been dragging my feet, but getting it done. Here's my run from Sunday:

Yesterday I did my 35 min easy run and finished with 3.27 miles. Then did 30 push ups, some ab work, bicep curls and a lot of stretching. Today is a rest day, I'm thrilled about it. Tomorrow I'm going to hit the gym and do some upper body shredding. I need it. I'm losing some of those lines and tone I was getting with the lifting. It's been about 2 weeks since I've had a good sweat sesh under some weight. I can also tell I've lost some strength and I want it back!

So that's that.

Oh, and my poor puppy has another infection. I'm trying using Aged Kyolic Garlic extract rather than putting him on another round of antibiotics. I'm also giving him medicated baths as often as I can. Hopefully we can resolve it holistically and avoid the vet.

I have a monster headache. Sangria to blame? NEVER!

I hope you're having a happy Tuesday.

Soooo sreepy.

I have had too many days of insufficient sleep, whether that be in hours or quality.

I am tired.

I had a great time in Eugene with a lot of stimulating conversations, including that of "getting that moon" with Rose.

reaching for the moon

Hanging out with her makes my womb hurt.

Been getting my runs in at okay times.

 I have a 2.5 miler today, but frankly, I had a big breakfast and I need a nap first. So, I will probably be hitting the gym around 4pm to get a run on the treadmill as a I am a sissy and don't particularly wish to run in 85º weather (Mama Laughlin and Skinny Meg would die laughing). I'd also like to get some lifting in before I head down to Wilsonville to so some wine tasting with my eldest and most glamorous sister, Katherine Larae.

Couple of yummy healthy meals I've made lately:

sweet potato, topped with zucchini and walla walla sweet onion sauteed in coconut oil with garlic and crumbled goat's cheese, really tasty and filling

turkey sandwich with tomato, onion, avocado, vegenanaise and red leaf lettuce on DKB thin slices, only 70 cal per slice and high in fiber and nutrition, also a few servings of raw vegetables

First training confession: I didn't cross train yesterday. So my Saturday rest day just became Saturday train day. I'm ok with it.

Also, I have taken to eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon and dipping it in chocolate chips. Fat girl habits die hard.

I will hopefully have more to say after the weekend, E and I are going camping with puppy for 2 nights! I hope to sleep, hike, run, swim, catch rays and read. I hope you've got a nice weekend planned as well.

Now it's nap time.

10k began today

A couple of things have been a real pain in the ass around my house the last few days. 1st off, our main drain pipe is clogged (has been since Thursday). This = no dishes, no laundry. This might have been manageable if I hadn't just stripped all of the beds, made a meal for 4 people (including dessert) and put off laundry until I was 4 loads behind. We've done some dishes outside, but we have been sleeping on an old flat sheet with no pillow cases for the last 4 nights. We really need a second pair of sheets. King sized beds are so expensive! The plumber is finally coming today, but we had hoped to take the boat out since it's going to be über hot today. Oh well. Second, my service engine light is on AGAIN. So I took my car in this morning to be fixed. Wouldn't be quite as annoying if I didn't have a mid week trip planned to spend time with Eugene beauties Niki, Marisa and Michelle from Shape Up or Ship Out. Lígo had shots today. Not a big deal. Feeling low on energy, sunburnt from 2 days out on the boat, not awesome, but live able. Bitching done. For now...

It better news, we finished the pool table! Our cool (in a temperature way) basement den is now complete! It's only taken a year.

As you can see from the title, today marks the beginning of training for the 10k. So much for my summer work out schedule, don't judge me. Gal pals (you love it, Michelle) Amy and Michelle are in it to win it and this is our training plan.

Since we're going it in just 6 weeks, the schedule is going to be rough. I'm hoping to run the whole thing, but I don't think I've ever run over 5 miles without stopping. So. I really have no business doing a 10k. I am doing it though. Even if it's slow and I have to walk the whole thing. It's called the Dahlia Run and it's in Canby, OR. If you're local and interested you should check out that link. They are hosting a 10k and a half marathon, and it really is a scenic track. Join us!

Map of our run

I have had some really incredible conversations with some really incredible women over the last few days that I want to share with you, but I haven't quite figured out how I want to articulate them. My thoughts a revolving around issues with addiction and eating disorders, social taboos and the human experience. I've also done a great deal of thinking about self worth, relationships and what we as women deserve in relationships (based upon self worth).

Think about this: why is it so much more socially acceptable to talk openly about drug or alcohol addiction than it is to talk about eating disorders?

Is it because it's less common? Or because there are less deaths associated with it? *It's estimated that 8 million Americans are suffering from an eating disorder today and only 1 of 10 will receive treatment. 20% will die due to complications with the disorder, but it's still so painfully hushed. I spoke with a friend that suffered from the same eating disorder I did and she disclosed that out of the people she knows, I was 1 of the 2 women who openly discussed their struggle. I thought about it for a while and realized, she's the only one who has openly discussed it with me. I know that there are many of you who have experienced disordered eating, but maybe you haven't felt like you can talk about it. Maybe you feel isolated. I know I did. I know my friend did too, but there are so many of us.

It is a heart wrenching roller coaster. It's a power struggle. It's a feeling of complete and utter unworthiness. *Most people that have an eating disorder also suffer from depression or PTSD. It's the same for alcoholics and drug addicts. My hope is that the more we talk about it, the less taboo it becomes. Women (and men) are embarrassed and terrified to open up to people about what they're going through. Maybe I'm being too bold here, but I would say, more so than people struggling with substance abuse. Another thing we neglect to address is that the damage to the body is just as bad, if not worse (in some cases) than someone who is over their head in addiction.

We all develop coping mechanisms. Sometimes they're good for us, a lot of times they're bad for us. I was watching an episode of Intervention a couple of weeks ago and they had trauma/grief counselor attending the intervention. The woman was addicted to an illicit substance, and had become so after an extreme trauma. The details aren't important here, but one thing the trauma counselor said really resounded in me it went something like this: "In a time of enormous grief, you were faced with an impossible decision. Developing an addiction was the responsible choice, because the other option was to kill yourself." I know some of you would argue that there are a lot of other choices and blah, blah, blah, but for those of us that don't have a suffocating support system, we have to find a way to COPE. Even those people that do have the support system, sometimes it doesn't help. I do not condone any of the aforementioned coping mechanisms, but I acknowledge that they exist. I also acknowledge that when they're ready, people need help developing healthier coping mechanisms and kicking the damaging ones to the curb.

We are all human beings, with skeletons in our closets, but keeping them there doesn't make them go away. Every time you open that closet door you're terrified all over again. Struggling doesn't make you weak. Really, at the end of the road, it makes you stronger.

The point of all of this, is that we must keep our minds open to things we don't understand. Shelf the judgement. Allow people be broken without shame. Forget your personal agenda and listen. Then, and only then, can the healing process begin.

There's my soap box for the day, and also a great representation of why I am going to be a therapist in the not so distant future.

If you are struggling with an addiction, depression or and eating disorder there are support groups and many who are ready and willing to help. Please feel free to email me or message me on Facebook and I would be happy to direct you and join your support system.

*Eating disorder statistics taken from the CDC, can be found at http://www.cdc.gov/family/college/

Messy mind, beautiful thought

E's parents have a CSA share. If you don't know what that is, you should. It's AWESOME. It stands for Community Supported Agriculture. Basically what it consists of, is you signing up and paying for a share of local produce which is gathered and packaged for you based upon what is seasonal, on a weekly basis. You either pick it up from a farm nearby or some organizations even deliver. If you don't have a green thumb (like me) or the time to commit to a garden (like me) CSA is super affordable and if you eat a lot of produce it's so convenient. I could talk about the benefits of this for ever, but really what it comes down to is supporting local economy, eating nutritious, fresh produce and experimenting with fruits and vegetables that you may not normally buy at the store. It's too late to sign up this year, but you can find more information here. There are also meat "crop shares" but I'm not as familiar with them.

Anyway, the moral of the story is: E's parents are picky eaters and his mom doesn't like salad (what?) so I get a lot of greens (awesome) and I also get obscure vegetables like kohlrabi, rutabaga and chinese cabbage. I will take anything on. So a couple nights ago, I took on the kohlrabi and rutabaga. I've never made these before, but it was supes hot so I wanted to grill it. I have a gas grill with a side burner, so I peeled, sliced in 1/2 inch rounds and par-boiled them for about 10 minutes. If you ever give these vegetables a try you need a very sharp knife. They are hearty. After boiling, I brushed them with olive oil, sprinkled salt, chili powder, paprika and garlic powder on both sides and then through them on a hot grill. I let them cook for about 20 minutes and got a nice char. After I took them off the grill I tossed the kohlrabi in balsamic vinegar. It was very good. Kohlrabi looks like this:

kohlrabi

The flavor is reminiscent of sweeter broccoli with a texture like an artichoke heart.

Wednesday night I made grilled Sockeye Salmon. I only buy fish if it looks awesome, and yesterday the sockeye was gorgeous and only $9.99 lb so I picked up a pound. E said it's the best salmon I have ever made (which I believe is due to its freshness). I like to cook salmon a couple of ways. Either on the grill or in the oven. Both ways I start by seasoning with S&P, on the grill I put it on a piece of foil big enough to wrap it, in the open I use a casserole dish, then I use whatever vinaigrette I'm into. Wednesday I used a pear gorgonzola vinaigrette from Trader Joe's, but I've also used Balsamic, Italian and raspberry. When I'm feeling decadent I will use Vegennaise (or mayonnaise) lemon slices, dill and S&P. But whether it's on the grill or in the oven, I like a high temperature, 400º and it only needs to cook for about 10-15 minutes, depending on how thick it is.

What I'm getting at here, is the leftovers of these dinners made a dank salad. 

grilled veggie and salmon salad

Last night my friend Rachel (remember the purple ombré?) to get her hair colored completely purple. It turned out super awesome as did the pulled pork and peach cobbler I made for dinner and dessert. It was a little difficult to say no to the bun and the dessert, but I did it. I can't seem to shake the nagging "your fat" track that's playing in my head. I have gained about 4 lbs, hard to say that it's bloat at this point and I really need to watch my nutrition if I want to see that number going down again. 

This is the battle. I don't care about the number, but I really care about the number. I shouldn't weigh myself (which I have only done once this month) because it makes me depressed. Why does something so silly affect me so negatively? In reality, to any of you, 4 lbs won't show. To me, It feels like I've turned into my old self. 4lbs feels like 35lbs.

 I did quite a bit of social binge eating with my friends over the last two weeks. I haven't done that in quite a while. I still attempted my veggies and fruits, but I felt like I just couldn't stop myself from the fried food and the cheese. I slipped back into some old habits and it snowballed. Now that I'm cleaning up my act, I realize, that's not who I am anymore. Not who I want to be. Not the direction I want to go. I only started feeling like myself again yesterday. My energy levels were coming back, I was able to get chores done (despite my VERY sore body, from the 2.5 hr work out on Wednesday), cook, bake and enjoy it. It's absolute madness what crappy preservative laden food does to your body and mind on a biochemical level. It's also crazy how once you have McDonald's once, you crave it again. People say marijuana is the gateway drug, I think it's food. No joke. 

I am a foodie, so it's difficult to not have an emotional response to food, but it's not how I want to live my life! PLAIN AND SIMPLE. I want to live by the philosophy, "Eat to live, not live to eat." I definitely want to enjoy everything that I put in my mouth (get your mind out of the gutter), but I don't want to put things in my mouth in order to enjoy life (not a prostitute). This is a hard corner for me to turn, but I refuse to go back to the place where food is my master, fueled by my insecurity. 

In other news, I stopped listening to soulful music about... mm 5 years ago. You know, Gavin DeGraw, Amos lee, Ray Lamontagne, Tyronne Wells. Yesterday, I had some time to relax before our guests got here. The table on the deck was set, all of the food was ready and I had poured a glass of wine. I decided to turn on the Gavin DeGraw Pandora station on. I sat there, in the beautiful evening weather alone and thought about how much it sucks that my parents weren't there. 

That's why I stopped listening to soulful music, because my mom and I share the same soul. When I hear those songs, I am forced to think about being separated from the people that made me. On the porch last night, I could visualize Mom and Dad sitting there with me, her having wine, him a beer, listening to the music, laughing, loving each other, loving me and being so proud of who I've become. I could feel their love in that moment. I thought about this all night and into this morning, how I wasn't ready to be without them. I'm still not, but I don't have any choice in the matter. I miss them both terribly some days, but other days, everything is just fine. Today, my mom would be 53 and my dad 55 (54?). We didn't have enough time with them. That's a fact. We didn't have enough time with Jesse, or Bethie, or my Grandmother Shirley, or Jeff. We didn't have enough time. I wouldn't be who I am without these losses, so in a way I'm grateful. In other ways, it still hurts a little (sometimes a lot).

Mom & Dad on their wedding day

the gorgeous Jesse Bogue

Little less than half of my life has been spent trying to find peace, or just solid ground to stand on. I know that some of you are believers and would say that I could "find that in Jesus." I have to tell you, with utmost respect, that's not how it worked for me. It's not that simple. I found divinity in all things, that God is all around me and in all the people that I love and love me, in the trees, in my pup, in the oceans, rivers and wind. I have no peace in a church. Frankly, when I'm in a church, I see more manipulation, falseness, brokenness and confusion than I see in the local bar. I understand, full well, that the modern church is not at all what Christ had in mind and that we're only people and you can't define faith by the people that soldier on with a mission of being like Christ. Trust me, I know. I don't have it all figured out (hence the name of the blog) but what I do have figured out, is that Jesus Christ is a fantastic figure/divine being/son of God (whichever suits you) to model after. If all of us did our very best to be like him, this would be a very different world. I also know that my way of believing is judged and worried over. Honestly, I have no idea how my parents would respond. I curse like a sailor, live with a man that I am not married to, respect Gandhi, drink too much wine and smoke cigarettes when I feel like it. And you know what? I'm soooooooo ok with that. I have found peace. When the next storm hits, I will weather it just as messily as I have in the past, with the wisdom that it too will pass. 

This is a bit of a messy post. My mind is a little messy at the moment. Not in a bad way. Messy in a kind of beautiful way. I'm ok with missing the people we've lost, because it reminds me of how much love I have for them, how significant they are to me and my life. The qualities they possessed that I strive for, laugh at, love or learned from. 

That soulful music opened the door and I have no desire to close it. Hope you don't mind.

Real life and shit.

About a week ago, E and I had a big disagreement. So big that I was sure he was leaving me. I have been so gung-ho with getting married and having a baby that I neglected to notice that not everything was so great. You see, E is 13 years older than me, which means he is pushing 40. This put us on the fast track for a serious commitment. I have no problem with because he is a good man that I love very much. He has been so good to me. The truth is, I'm extremely lucky. I don't really deserve the adoration he gives me.

This isn't about me being self depreciating, it's just that he goes above and beyond. I am a social lady. I have a tendency to spread myself too thin and so, when I think things are perfect on all ends, sometimes he is neglected. I think it is fair to say, that the people closest to us, are most likely to be mistreated. Be that because they are the most consistent characters in our lives or that we don't fear losing them because we can depend on the relationship. It's not really fair. But it happens.

I've always been very pleased with our relationship. We speak openly and softly to one another. We keep open minds and try to be sensitive to the one another at all times. Being a good partner is not always easy, or fun. It's definitely not self-serving, but I feel that in long term relationships, there is a constant ebb and flow. Sometimes, you get it all right, sometimes you get it all wrong, but the trick is communication.

I had NO IDEA that I was hurting E, when he confronted me. I was oblivious, and I'm mortified about it. I have had a lot going on in the last 2-3 weeks, but that is no excuse to let the love of my life take the backseat. All I could tell him, was that I was sorry and hope that he would be able to forgive me. He has, and the awkwardness has passed, but I'm still left with a bad taste in my mouth. What do we call that? Oh yeah, guilt. I'm well aware there is no sense in feeling this, but sometimes it just creeps in.

I am not the perfect girlfriend. Nor will I be the perfect wife or mother, but I will be the best me that I can. There is a part of me that worries if me, just as I am, is enough for anyone to want to maintain a relationship with.

I think the hard part about the whole altercation, is that I feel afraid. I am well aware in my conscious mind that he has no intention of leaving me. But my subconscious is bearing down for all hell to break loose. I think when so many people have given up on you, it's hard to accept that anyone will stay. I just expect to be heartbroken, because that's the way it goes. But I think I've found a keeper, and as long as we can keep up the communication, we've got a life time together.



The other part is growing up. E and I have always had a great time together. We host a lot, go out a lot, we enjoy a very spontaneous and lushy lifestyle. But, (and this is a BIG BUTT) we want a baby. I've always known that when that day comes, I will settle down, because a son or daughter is something I've dreamed of my entire life. I think I've also neglected to acknowledge that when we become parents, we with both change in a million ways. I think he wants to make sure that as many changes that can be made in advance, are. Like slowing down, drinking less, staying in more, committing to health and spending a little more time just the 2 of us. (Will Smith anyone?)

I've been witnessing one of my best girl friends go through a painful break up. It reminds me of where I have been in the past. Given, she is much more graceful than I ever was, it reminds me of my pain. That hole in your body, lungs crushed, split brain, want to die pain. You feel like it will never end. Her experience has given me a lot perspective on how I've changed and who this wonderful man is, that I love.

She said to me, "I deserve to be loved how he loves you."

I agree, she does. This made me realize how much I have taken for granted. His open mind and heart. His generosity and kindness. His ability to forgive. His ability to communicate and his way of showing he loves me.

But also, the woman I have become. Through the fire and back, I have become something great. I am not the most wonderful partner all the time, but maybe that's because of my many roles. I'm a friend, a counselor, a chef, an artist, a dog mom, a fitness wonder wannabe, a sister, a maid, a deep and free thinker, a hair stylist, a dietitian, a laundromat (yes, the whole establishment), personal shopper, personal assistant, student, food cart salesperson, wine (vodka) connoisseur.... and I digress. The point is, I am woman. I know he values every inch of me. It hasn't been an easy road and any of you that walked it with me saw the absolute seasons of despair. This isn't one of those seasons and I want to make sure to soak up every minute.

For those of you in a darker time, I can promise you, the pain will let up. But until it does, don't be afraid to reach out. These are the times that friends do their job. Friendship isn't all about wine, cookies and sparkly unicorns. We are here to remind you of who you are, when you lose yourself.

Love love love.

Return of blog.

And I'm back.

One of my dearest friends headed back to his homeland today and although it was sad to see him go, I am so thankful that we had so much time together. I'm also thankful for Skype.

Anyway, there is a lot of information to regale and I just don't know if I even can. So I think I might break it down over the next few days.

You know how much I am an advocate for having a real life while living healthily. I think I took that to the full extent over the past 4 weeks. I can tell you I had a drink almost every day, that I had McDonalds more than twice, cheese pizza, late night frozen yogurt an ice cream cone and the list goes on.

It was a regular binge-fest from Vegas on and I can tell you I am full and I am tired. My body doesn't like about 95% of the food I've eaten and it feels like crap. OH! and I haven't worked out in... What will be 2 weeks tomorrow. Which really baffles me. It's almost laughable. It's starting to show a bit, and not in an insecure way. I planned to do a little damage, but now it's time to clean up the mess. Cleanse starts tomorrow.

When I say cleanse, this is what I mean:

5 days
Pro-biotics
120 oz of water
No grains
No caffeine
Limited dairy (one greek yogurt per day)
Lots of fruits and veggies

I never last beyond five days, so I figure that's a good place to start.

So tomorrow marks the beginning of getting back to my healthy self, after a couple of naps and a solid night's sleep.

Over the next few days you might hear about the Beyoncé concert, losing my iphone 5, various junk food endeavors, having company every night, constipation, exhaustion, crying, 117 degree weather, camping, fireworks, best friends and good ole' fashioned body image.

Hope you have all been doing well, and I'm excited to be back and keep you up to speed on the cleanse! Also excited to get back to the gym...

Have a good evening!

Vegas and Other Stuff

Flying 

It has been a whirlwind of awesome and social events the last 3 days. We have had company over almost every night, lots of wine and gabbing. It's been great.

On Wednesday, After a delivious breakfast, persuaded Jacob to do a work out with me. We did a total body video OnDemand. Lots of lunges, burps etc. Then we took puppy for a walk. It was a nice little work out. I forget the name of the video, but the whole time I was thinking: "This is pretty easy, why am I sweating so much?"

 Then we headed out to do some pre-vegas shopping for Jacob. It was a successful shop! 

Then friends came over, I did a little bit of hair. Rachel came and we reapplied her purple and fixed up my roots. It was a little bit of an early night, but I cannot fully express to you how wonderful it has been to have Jake here. I know we're coming up on a separation, but I don't want to focus on that. Just making memories and enjoying his company. After all, true friendships can endure any distance. Especially with all of technology that's accessible these days

Thursday we were sure we would work out after that pansy video, turns out we;re (still) really sore. Whoops. Hamstrings like rubberbands and screaming glutes. So Thursday morning, we popped up thinking we were going to head out onto the boat, but it didn't end up happening. Instead we got pedicures (I also got a shellac mani in sparkly Barbie pink and brow wax). 

Gotcha! That's my FAKE-gagement ring for Vegas. I am NOT engaged... Yet.

After our pampering we headed downtown to have happy hour at a Peruvian restaurant called Andina to meet with sister emily and gal pal Amy. I have something to say about Andina. It's just, ok. The prices are a bit steep for underwhelming food. It's good, but not to die for. If you're going to try it, shoot for the ceviche. They have that going on, but really, the only way to screw up ceviche is use old fish. I don't think I will be returning, except for the incredible cocktail that's named after city, Sachsayuman. My sister Emily has spent some time in Peru and the locals joke about this city, calling it "sexy woman" (like me! right?)  It's a mango purree with a habenero kick. Mmmm.

After Andina, we went to my sister's beauty school because she was practicing her A-line on Amy and I decided to get a trim from one of the students. I usually will trim my own hair, but figured, it's cheap and sometimes its nice to have someone who can see the back of my head. I regret this decision. It took 2 hours for this student to do a haircut that take me 20 minutes. Frankly, my time is worth more than the $35 I saved going to the school. I will return for my sister when she needs heads to practice on, but I will never go for any other reason. I did get lots of compliments on my color though. :)

After the eternal haircut, I met with Jacob and Brandon for a couple drinks, headed home, stayed up too late playing cards and doing laundry and lagged a little bit on our way out. It's all right though. Everything's packed checked and we are halfway to Vegas at the moment. I have already started to enjoy my 5 pound weight gain from vegas. We started with a homemade cheese pizza for breakfast and then I had a cob salad and tater tots for lunch. Then I proceeded to buy peanut butter M&Ms. It's fine, this is one of those times when I embrace the fact that weight fluctuates and I want to enjoy every meal and moment I have on vacation! 

Beyoncé is tomorrow. I have a feeling it will be an all day waiting situation. So upon landing we're going to tour the resort we're staying at, grab some dinner and call it an early night. Oh and did I mention (if I did, i will gladly mention it again) it is going to be obscenely hot while we're there. So if I don't get a wicked tan, it's because I never stepped outdoors. 

Getting excited! Only one more hour! I do have to say, I miss E and the pup already. I left him secret notes all over the house, for him to find while I'm away. I love him so, wish he should have come with us. Honestly though…. he wouldn't have had as much fun as Jacob and I will. :)

I hope you're all well! Get ready for epic photos! Kisses!