About a week ago, E and I had a big disagreement. So big that I was sure he was leaving me. I have been so gung-ho with getting married and having a baby that I neglected to notice that not everything was so great. You see, E is 13 years older than me, which means he is pushing 40. This put us on the fast track for a serious commitment. I have no problem with because he is a good man that I love very much. He has been so good to me. The truth is, I'm extremely lucky. I don't really deserve the adoration he gives me.
This isn't about me being self depreciating, it's just that he goes above and beyond. I am a social lady. I have a tendency to spread myself too thin and so, when I think things are perfect on all ends, sometimes he is neglected. I think it is fair to say, that the people closest to us, are most likely to be mistreated. Be that because they are the most consistent characters in our lives or that we don't fear losing them because we can depend on the relationship. It's not really fair. But it happens.
I've always been very pleased with our relationship. We speak openly and softly to one another. We keep open minds and try to be sensitive to the one another at all times. Being a good partner is not always easy, or fun. It's definitely not self-serving, but I feel that in long term relationships, there is a constant ebb and flow. Sometimes, you get it all right, sometimes you get it all wrong, but the trick is communication.
I had NO IDEA that I was hurting E, when he confronted me. I was oblivious, and I'm mortified about it. I have had a lot going on in the last 2-3 weeks, but that is no excuse to let the love of my life take the backseat. All I could tell him, was that I was sorry and hope that he would be able to forgive me. He has, and the awkwardness has passed, but I'm still left with a bad taste in my mouth. What do we call that? Oh yeah, guilt. I'm well aware there is no sense in feeling this, but sometimes it just creeps in.
I am not the perfect girlfriend. Nor will I be the perfect wife or mother, but I will be the best me that I can. There is a part of me that worries if me, just as I am, is enough for anyone to want to maintain a relationship with.
I think the hard part about the whole altercation, is that I feel afraid. I am well aware in my conscious mind that he has no intention of leaving me. But my subconscious is bearing down for all hell to break loose. I think when so many people have given up on you, it's hard to accept that anyone will stay. I just expect to be heartbroken, because that's the way it goes. But I think I've found a keeper, and as long as we can keep up the communication, we've got a life time together.
The other part is growing up. E and I have always had a great time together. We host a lot, go out a lot, we enjoy a very spontaneous and lushy lifestyle. But, (and this is a BIG BUTT) we want a baby. I've always known that when that day comes, I will settle down, because a son or daughter is something I've dreamed of my entire life. I think I've also neglected to acknowledge that when we become parents, we with both change in a million ways. I think he wants to make sure that as many changes that can be made in advance, are. Like slowing down, drinking less, staying in more, committing to health and spending a little more time just the 2 of us. (Will Smith anyone?)
I've been witnessing one of my best girl friends go through a painful break up. It reminds me of where I have been in the past. Given, she is much more graceful than I ever was, it reminds me of my pain. That hole in your body, lungs crushed, split brain, want to die pain. You feel like it will never end. Her experience has given me a lot perspective on how I've changed and who this wonderful man is, that I love.
She said to me, "I deserve to be loved how he loves you."
I agree, she does. This made me realize how much I have taken for granted. His open mind and heart. His generosity and kindness. His ability to forgive. His ability to communicate and his way of showing he loves me.
But also, the woman I have become. Through the fire and back, I have become something great. I am not the most wonderful partner all the time, but maybe that's because of my many roles. I'm a friend, a counselor, a chef, an artist, a dog mom, a fitness wonder wannabe, a sister, a maid, a deep and free thinker, a hair stylist, a dietitian, a laundromat (yes, the whole establishment), personal shopper, personal assistant, student, food cart salesperson, wine (vodka) connoisseur.... and I digress. The point is, I am woman. I know he values every inch of me. It hasn't been an easy road and any of you that walked it with me saw the absolute seasons of despair. This isn't one of those seasons and I want to make sure to soak up every minute.
For those of you in a darker time, I can promise you, the pain will let up. But until it does, don't be afraid to reach out. These are the times that friends do their job. Friendship isn't all about wine, cookies and sparkly unicorns. We are here to remind you of who you are, when you lose yourself.
Love love love.
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