Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Scale Addict

Owning a scale for a recovering bulimic, is like always keeping alcohol in the house for an alcoholic.

It's just a bad, inconsiderate idea. (To be clear, am the inconsiderate one).

I know I've blogged about this before and I'm doing it again. I am so SICK, of thinking about my weight. My god, I am not a number on the scale. I am not defined by it, but these days it sure feels like it. 

It's like I'm having a scale relapse. I do well for a while and stay away from it, or weigh myself once a week, then bam! I'm back at it. Every. Damn. Day. I weigh myself and eat according to the number and wait until I get a number I like (ahem, 152), then I celebrate by living like a normal person again and watch the number climb back to 155.

I'm so tired of looking at 155. It makes me feel so discouraged. I don't feel like I'm that weight. In reality, I feel pretty good. I feel 10 lbs lighter than that. I also feel like I should be 10 lbs lighter.

BUT, I think about what I would have to do to get those last 10 lbs off of me and I sound like a big baby, but I just don't want to. 

I already work out 6 days a week, I practice eating in moderation and cook healthy meals. I am a healthy person. I don't want to have to eliminate things that I enjoy. More power to the people who have made health and fitness their lives, i think that's great, but it just isn't me. I don't even want it to be me.

I want to feel good, look good, and be good. I don't want to run a marathon, compete in a fitness competition or climb Mount Everest. I just want to be a better version of myself, every day.

I know these things in my heart, but I so easily get distracted by fluctuations and obsessed with the number. It's no way to live.

So this was my confession, I am having a scale relapse and it's time to move on. The scale is going away. So I can remember why I live healthfully. So I can learn to love myself the way that I am. 155 or otherwise.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

It's In the Journey... right?

I fear I won't ever reach the 140s.

I know I will, but god damn. This is not even CLOSE to easy anymore. I have been weighing myself, despite gender induced water retention. I am back at good ole 155. We've been friends for a long time, 155, but I don't like you anymore and would appreciate you biting the dust already.

I fall of the wagon a bit on the weekends, so that could use some work. I wasn't referring to the sobriety wagon, but I may as well be, because them vodka sodas have to go somewhere and they really prefer to be soaked up with things like tater tots, nachos or my personal fave: pizza.

I have gotten over the hump of skipping my work outs after a night out, but it doesn't mean I enjoy it and also doesn't prevent delicious sausage and bacon from coming out of no where and falling into my belly. I don't even know how it happens... 

My favorite passtime is planning, preparing, serving and enjoying a meal with friends and/or family. I freaking love it, and I usually behave well whilst cooking, I also find that after slaving over it, I'm less likely to gorge, but the problem with being a good cook (if I do say so myself) is I can cook literally whatever I could possibly think of at any moment in time. Homemade Alfredo? Pizza from scratch? Delicious fried Chinese? Thai pad kee mao? Indian Korma? I'll have one of each please. E and I don't even eat out very often. Don't have to. (Note: I had to give up Alfredo completely... Too good and too bad at the same time. Made me crazy.)

I love my shakes because it takes the guess work out of one meal a day. On days that I'm gone all day, I put something in the crock pot in the morning. Today it's chicken breast with pineapple, peppers, onion and "soyaki" sauce from trader joes. E will put brown rice on an hour before I get home and voila! Dinner. I don't really have a big lunch. I had 1/2 c pineapple, some jerky and a fresh juice. I do great on weekdays!!!! I need to work on this on the weekends. I think I may have to do away with hard alcohol. At least for the time being. I love my wine. It's easier to manage and better for my body, so hopefully I will see/feel a difference.  

Today was a low body lift day. I skipped my sprints, because I was just NOT feeling it today. I did about 3, 20 second sprints at an elevation of 6 and 9.5 mph... It didn't feel good. So I stopped. I still got a great work out in, and some abs. I can see my body changing, but like the rest of the world, I'm wishing for that fast forward button! 

Tomorrow is a run (jog really). I think I'll push for 5 or 6. It's been a while since I went over 5 miles. I am all signed up for the Shamrock 5k, the Rum Run 10k in May and the Canby Dahlia Half in august. If anyone wants to join me for any or all or these, let me know! 

I know that it's not about this, and I promise I don't always think this way, but man, it would be nice to just be skinny already. 

 One day at a time.