Attitude Adjustment.

While I was meditating in my yoga class, I realized something. I am quite sour at this point in my life. 

I have been in a mood, lately. I don't know why. I have absolutely nothing to be frustrated about. Life is moving along swimmingly, aside from impending sickness. I have nothing to complain about, but my irritability is through the roof.

It's time for a attitude adjustment. Sometimes it's good to take a moment and reflect on your blessings, or luck, if you like that term better.

I am fed, clothed and sheltered.

I am loved.

I am healthy.

I am learning.

I have a partnership with a man who adores me.

I have loving family.

I have great friends.

I am moving toward something.

Maybe it's the changing of the seasons. Maybe it's the bit of fear I have about my education as it progresses. A saying comes to mind...

I believe it is really a challenge to live in the present. I constantly find myself reflecting on things for too long, punishing myself for saying or doing the "wrong" thing. Of course I believe in learning from mistakes and I never intend to hurt another soul, but is there really a right and wrong? Or is it more of a, learned or not learned? For instance, I said something to a dear friend the other day, that wasn't intended to be cruel, nor was it a false statement, but it hurt her. I have been dwelling on this for 3 days.  I have already apologized and have learned that I need to continue grooming the way I present my thoughts, or whether or not they need to be presented at all, yet I continue to punish myself. 

If I was living in the present, I would accept my mistake, acknowledge that I've done all I can to remedy it and forget about it. My love for this person is completely intact and there is nothing I can do about the past. But today! I woke up early and put together a bountiful healthy lunch, I lifted weights for 30 minutes and practiced yoga. I made it to my classes on time. I get to spend the next 3 hours producing art, and afterward, I get to go home to a man that loves me, a puppy that's missed me and maybe even some friends. I am a blessed woman. 

Whatever happens tomorrow isn't my concern.

I know I am strong.

I am bright.

I am affluent.

I am effective.

I am loving.

I am kind.

I am thoughtful.

What could really get in my way? 

Cranky For No Reason

Returning to college is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Which is probably easy to say, just because I've made a lot of bad decisions.

Going back to school, when you've passed the young, flighty and unreasonable season of life, leaves you with nothing but determination and focus. In general, I don't view my classes as a bore. I learn and retain information better than I ever have before.

But, I still don't know exactly what I want to be when I grow up.

Last night, when I got home from school, I came home to a clean kitchen, flowers on the counter and an invitation to dinner with E. He took me out for Korean BBQ and we ordered 3x the amount of food we needed. Fairly guilt free, as it's mostly meat and veggies... I also just had some leftovers for breakfast.

Dating E was also one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I don't have a lot to say, other than math is really hard and that I'm hoping this term doesn't kill me. As I was inspecting the requirements for an undergrad in psych, I discovered the need for additional math classes (statistics), once I leave the community college world. I find this necessary and disheartening at the same time.

Honestly guys, I think I'm getting sick. I think I have some awful flu around the bend. I am sleepy, but also restless. I have an achy body, sore throat, green snot, a headache and no desire to do anything. I failed to get up early and work out before school yesterday, but I must do it tomorrow. I need to enforce positive patterns. I ate too much pizza over the weekend, I haven't been drinking enough water. I haven't had a work out since I helped my sister move on Saturday.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm bloated. I am a danger to myself. These are the kind of days that lead to me gaining 5 lbs. These are the kind of days that I hate, but they are also the days that I need to put on my work out gear, run the errands, work out and get a good nights sleep. These days, when I don't care, are the days that define whether or not I'm really committed to being healthy.

Frankly, I'm dragging my feet, but I'm still moving. Better get on it while I'm feeling somewhat inspired.

Let's hope for something valuable, interesting and happy to blog about tomorrow!

The Painting

I missed my blog yesterday, I hope no one was counting on me for dinner recipes! I've posted my pulled pork and apple cabbage slaw for you in recipes if you're interested.

Yesterday I had an adventure with my friend Amy and her husband. Wednesday evening we decided we wanted to hike in the morning. I was at their place by 9:05 am and we were on our way to a 7.5 mile, 2100 ft climb. The hike is of Hamilton Mountain, and I recommend it. It is listed at a moderate level of difficulty, I would agree with that. It is not necessarily a walk in the park (hence the word hike).
We climbed pretty steadily for about 2 hours. So, take a couple rests if you need them, about a mile in there are these gorgeous waterfalls and pools. We kept on trucking mostly, by the time we reached the peak, I was pretty much done walking at an incline... for a while. It was a successful day. I'm still tired.. and hungry, it seems! We hit the trail around 10:10a, peaked at 12:15p and made it to the car by 2p.

I've been thinking about posting about that painting I've been working on and I'm struggling a little bit with the words.This is the first time that I have taken a long journey with one of my works... I think it has been helping me develop, as an artist and as a person. You see, it's a self portrait.

There was a point in my weight loss where I was really struggling with my idea of my body. If you've ever gone through the process, you know there are plenty of times where you just have no concept of what you actually look like from the outside. What should matter is how you feel, but sometimes you think you look like the same person you were 30 lbs ago.

So I made it my mission to overcome this. I wanted look at my body subjectively (like I do all models for figure painting), paint it realistically and not only love it, but find beauty in it.

This has proven to be difficult. I had some photos taken.

First wrong move: weed through them and find the one where I look thinnest.

It's in some awkward reclined position, but at the time, I couldn't bear to look at myself any other way. The painting only got more difficult from here. I found that I was just naturally changing my shape to be something it wasn't; thinning out the arms, whittling the waist, reducing the thighs... until it or I  didn't even look human. Then I left it there. On my bedroom wall, I looked at it every day, frustrated. Wondering what I could do to make it better, how I could fix it, whether or not it could be fixed. For about 9 months it has hung, untouched.

This kind of reminds me of my weight struggle. Of my plateaus. Of my lacking self esteem.

I picked up working on this painting again about a week ago. I sat down at just inspected the photos of myself. I looked at my painting and myself and began to see it for what it is. As the painting evolved, the legs got shorter, the breast got smaller, the middle wasn't quite so svelte, but the painting is becoming much better. The truth of it is, we have certain wants in life and for our bodies, but they don't always go together so well. It's all a game of acceptance and embracing. The beautiful woman is one who doesn't cry out for attention, because her self worth comes from within. She has embraced her circumstances and her body but is not without the capacity to grow. She doesn't obsess about her make up, clothes, or sex appeal... she just is. This simple act of just being, frees her up to love and be loved.

I know that's all very zen of me and you might be thinking: "Is she high?", but no, I just really want to be more like that woman. This painting is helping me get there. It's far from finished and so am I.

That's about all I have to say about that.

Modern House... girlfriend.

I try not to whine, but didn't I clean the kitchen today already? Twice?

MY GOD. I don't even have a kid, but I feel like all I do is clean. Wonder how that's going to change when the spawn arrives... Maybe I will be crazy erratic mom, who cleans up every little thing. More likely I will be smitten mom who forgets what a clean house looks like.

I hate to say it, because I know I will regret it, but I am so sick of staying at home and doing nothing but keeping the house and cooking. I would like a solid excuse to not make dinner and another one for why laundry has piled up, because right now, I don't have one and I am booooooooored of cooking, dishes and laundry. Not built to be a housewife, perhaps?

I did some painting the other day, just to mix it up. Then I ran out of an essential hue of paint, a non mixable one, called white. Still haven't made it to the art store.

My day of nothingness, was pretty on point. I did wash the bedding, do some laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep, but I finished 12 episodes of "Devious Maids" so.... embarrassing. I have enjoyed my vacation, but I need to go to a place where I can have snacks every 30 minutes and my brain is stimulated by something worthwhile and I have a reason to get out of bed before 9. Spoiled-brat-1st-world-problems. Forgive me.

Today on the agenda: Force myself to do something active. Eat less carbs than yesterday. Maybe see another human being in real life?

3 hours later...

I have accomplished my "something active." I did about 4.15 miles, the hard way. I have a loop that I do every so often, in one direction it has a tiny but steady downgrade with one 250 ft climb at the end. The hard way warms you up with a downgrade, then has a tiny but steady upgrade the whole route, and one 150 ft climb.

I would be lying to you if I said that I didn't walk a lot of it. I finished in about 47 minutes.

So far I have eaten less carbs. I had one egg and one piece of DKB toast for pre run fuel. Then I enjoyed some spoils from my sister's garden including some spicy pickled green beans. They are so yum but, they're making me sweat!

Also, last night E and I had an at home date. On said date, we covered various things in dark chocolate. That's normal and perfectly healthy, right?

Frozen bananas, raisins and grahams

I put some pork shoulder in the crock pot today.

I thought I might talk about this painting I've been working on, but I think I will do that tomorrow.

Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday, John Ritter.

TODAY I AM TIRED.

For no particular reason.

I intend to spend the day doing absolutely nothing.

Except diving into a riveting Lifetime series called "Devious Maids" while sporting my sexiest outfit (if you have a furry fetish), my infamous leopard print footie pajamas. Send your judgement my way, I'm far to sleepy and cozy to care.

I don't even really have anything to say. I'm sure you gathered that from yesterday's blog.

Have a good day.

Autumn

I got out of bed in a hurry (only because yesterday I did absolutely nothing) and put on my shorts and my awesome tee from the Emerald City Cat Fight and stepped outside with pup to get his weekly bath taken care of. I suddenly became very aware that it is Autumn. Well, technically, we're about a week early, but today, it was certainly Autumn. This was my "Hello, Fall" outfit. Excuse my face, the 24 Hour Fitness locker room and my inability to take a quality photo with an iPhone 3.

E had a long day prior, so when I sprung out of bed at 8 am, I quietly shut the door behind me and took care of some business. Business being laundry, dishes and dog walking. These things are my business. After I was finished with the business, I headed to the gym. I have decided (on a whim) that I really want to accomplish doing 10 pull ups. This is a huge number and effort for me. I have done 3 in a row, once. So any more than 3 will be an accomplishment that I'm proud of, but I am going to be doing my best to train up to 10 in the next 3 months. This might be hefty, because I doubt I can even do one in my current state.

After gym time, which included 35 minutes in the weight room, including my 35 push ups, some ab work and 45 minutes of high intensity cardio, I headed down to my sister, Erin's house, to raid her chicken coop and garden. I am quite pleased with my haul. I'm super into jalapeños right now. Even though too much of them cause some uncomfortable burning.... if you know what I mean. She helped me find a couple of big ripe tomatoes, a ton of jalapeños, some sweet yellow cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans and bell peppers. It's great having a place t go to pick fresh produce since it's not practical for E and I. I just wish they didn't live 30 minutes away!

Then I proceeded to renew my Costco Membership, do some grocery shopping and come home to get in full fledged Fall fashion. I picked apples from our tree, peeled, cored, cut and froze half. Then I made an apple pie, all the while simmering a big pot of chicken and brown rice soup. E and I enjoyed it, the pie is cooling and we are watching the Steelers/Bengals game. I wasn't quite ready for this season, but I do love it. I love to bake, go to the pumpkin patch, make different soups, dress up for Halloween and wear boots... but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to the boat and the sun yet!!!

Funny tid bit, my friend Lance is so sweet and thoughtful, he baked E and I an apple pie and delivered it just as I pulled mine out of the oven. Too in sync. In complete honesty, his apple pie kicked mine to the curb.

Astoria, Kim K and Mountains of Salt Water Taffy

Today is a day that I just don't feel like it. I made the mistake of waiting to work out today and now I'm terribly sleepy, all I want to do is nap.

E took me to the coast this weekend and spoiled me with a beautiful dinner right on the harbor in Astoria. I had every intention of taking photos, then I didn't, so here you go:

On the way home we stopped through Seaside and hit the Candyman's Salt Water Taffy outlet and bought about 25 lbs of salt water taffy. Then we got home, crawled into bed and ate about 10 pieces each. The worst part? I don't even really like it. What is my problem?

I was just enjoying lounging about with him and didn't pay attention and whoops! Sugar coma. I tried to get a little nutrition in yesterday, with a leftover homemade Mediterrenean turkey patty, some strawberries and raw vegetables, but went ahead and finished myself off with about 4 servings of TJ's reduced guilt pita chips, a mountain of wasabi peas and a bowl of Biyrani rice. Ugh. What's done is done, but man, embarrassing. I know I can do better. I just did it for 10 days!

Last night my sister came over and I did her hair, she wanted a big change, and a big change she got! It was a little bit of a drawn out process, but we finally got to a place where she was happy.

She's just so cool and hot at the same time I can't handle it.

Also, last night I dreamt that I was Kim Kardashian's BFF and Courtney threw my laptop in the pool as a prank (you know how they're all about pranks) and I was super pissed (this was all being filmed of course) and by the end of it Kim was crying and bought me a brand new Macbook Pro and an iPhone 5S, which, by the way, ARE EFFING CRAZY! Fingerprinting technology? No thanks, I'll go for the 5C. I will break that shit so fast. That or I will crash my car while trying to "open" my phone for someone who's sitting in the back seat, so they can look something up on GPS. 

My life is very important.

School countdown, 10 days.