Yesterday I had an adventure with my friend Amy and her husband. Wednesday evening we decided we wanted to hike in the morning. I was at their place by 9:05 am and we were on our way to a 7.5 mile, 2100 ft climb. The hike is of Hamilton Mountain, and I recommend it. It is listed at a moderate level of difficulty, I would agree with that. It is not necessarily a walk in the park (hence the word hike).
We climbed pretty steadily for about 2 hours. So, take a couple rests if you need them, about a mile in there are these gorgeous waterfalls and pools. We kept on trucking mostly, by the time we reached the peak, I was pretty much done walking at an incline... for a while. It was a successful day. I'm still tired.. and hungry, it seems! We hit the trail around 10:10a, peaked at 12:15p and made it to the car by 2p.
I've been thinking about posting about that painting I've been working on and I'm struggling a little bit with the words.This is the first time that I have taken a long journey with one of my works... I think it has been helping me develop, as an artist and as a person. You see, it's a self portrait.
There was a point in my weight loss where I was really struggling with my idea of my body. If you've ever gone through the process, you know there are plenty of times where you just have no concept of what you actually look like from the outside. What should matter is how you feel, but sometimes you think you look like the same person you were 30 lbs ago.
So I made it my mission to overcome this. I wanted look at my body subjectively (like I do all models for figure painting), paint it realistically and not only love it, but find beauty in it.
This has proven to be difficult. I had some photos taken.
First wrong move: weed through them and find the one where I look thinnest.
It's in some awkward reclined position, but at the time, I couldn't bear to look at myself any other way. The painting only got more difficult from here. I found that I was just naturally changing my shape to be something it wasn't; thinning out the arms, whittling the waist, reducing the thighs... until it or I didn't even look human. Then I left it there. On my bedroom wall, I looked at it every day, frustrated. Wondering what I could do to make it better, how I could fix it, whether or not it could be fixed. For about 9 months it has hung, untouched.
This kind of reminds me of my weight struggle. Of my plateaus. Of my lacking self esteem.
I picked up working on this painting again about a week ago. I sat down at just inspected the photos of myself. I looked at my painting and myself and began to see it for what it is. As the painting evolved, the legs got shorter, the breast got smaller, the middle wasn't quite so svelte, but the painting is becoming much better. The truth of it is, we have certain wants in life and for our bodies, but they don't always go together so well. It's all a game of acceptance and embracing. The beautiful woman is one who doesn't cry out for attention, because her self worth comes from within. She has embraced her circumstances and her body but is not without the capacity to grow. She doesn't obsess about her make up, clothes, or sex appeal... she just is. This simple act of just being, frees her up to love and be loved.
I know that's all very zen of me and you might be thinking: "Is she high?", but no, I just really want to be more like that woman. This painting is helping me get there. It's far from finished and so am I.
That's about all I have to say about that.
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