MIA

So sorry, to those of you who await my blog. So nice to hear that you missed me! I really don't have much excuse other than being out of whack. Next week is the last week of the term, and due to the sunny weather early in the term, I am so, so, SO behind. I have been spending my free time doing homework and trying to catch up. I'm normally a very good student, but this term, I have really slacked off. Paying for it now.

CONFESSIONS:
I have not worked out in 7 days. For those of you that know me, this is not normal. I had a little 2 mile jog and about 30 push ups on Monday, but I don't really count that. I think that says a lot about my stress level.

I have had giant plates of pasta twice. This is also something I don't do. Pasta is a major treat for me. I really try to stay away from empty carbs (other than vodka) because I have pretty sensitive blood sugar levels, and simple carbs really screw up my metabolism.

There are also a variety of chips, dips, cookies, couple gallons of wine, and other miscellaneous snacks. I think it's called stress eating? I can also tell you this:

I feel like crap. You are what you eat folks, and this last week, I have been a big ole' slab of fat. My acne woke up and is ruining my face, I constantly have a headache and yesterday I got a nasty case of food poisoning. But here's a thought: maybe it wasn't food poisoning from some food born illness. Maybe I poisoned my body with food that isn't good for me and it's paying me back.

I'm not the kind of person that is going to punish myself for this, and honestly, the way I feel is punishment enough. It's really time to do a clean sweep and take my own advice. 51% raw food (fruits and veggies) and no more empty carbohydrates. I know I will feel 100% better. One week off track doesn't define me, doesn't affect my physique that much. If I'm not mistaken, about 2 weeks with no activity will result in muscle loss. I will feel the break a bit in my cardiovascular work out, but nothing devastating. Anyway, I am going to the gym today after class (which I am currently in-so much for being a good student).

 These are my Brooks Ghost 5 trailrunners, these are the only shoes I can run in. I have some pronation problems and these give me all of the balance and support I need. I got the trailrunners, which are waterproofed. Essential in Oregon and with an adorable pup that loves to leap through puddles. He's so handsome.

 After our short little jog, I had a nice chat with Michelle on the phone. Steam cleaned my couch and then opened a bottle of Gnarlyhead Pinot Noir. Poured a glass and slapped a pretty green mask on my face.

Then E and I made this delicious pizza. I need to start making pizza crust and freezing it. We love to make our own pizzas with whole wheat crust and piles of veggies. I will do that soon and post my recipe, process, etc.

After we ate, got a text from my friend Mariah and we met up for a drink and some chats (and cajun tots, damn you Mcmenamins!). It was a nice night and I wore this outfit.

Michelle fondly dubs this the "pee pants pose." I am such a model. I got this top at the Nordstrom half-yearly sale. It's a Medium boyfriend fit, I like it. I tried belting it and surprisingly, both E and I preferred it without a belt.

I am currently working on a persuasive speech to encourage my classmates to choose clean eating. I have been learning an incredible amount about the benefits of eating clean. We're talking curing diseases and preventing cancer. It is extremely important research and I encourage all of you to invest some time into researching and understanding how our bodies function and also how the food industry functions. It has been speculated that if we continue on the path we are on, that the next generation will be the first one to have shorter lifespans than their parents. Not so progressive anymore. We have backslid into a huge economic and health crisis. We are eating our way to our eminent failure. I know that's a bold statement, but I firmly believe it. When it gets closer to speech time, I will give you a run down on what I will present. Hopefully you will find it interesting!

I cannot wait for this term to be over. Honestly, I don't even care what grades I get, as long as I pass. It just needs to be over, so that I can get myself back in order. I hate feeling this unorganized and stressed. Come summer, I will have all the time in the world to cook, clean, exercise, socialize and share it all with you. :)

Have a great day folks, hopefully I will be writing again soon!

Lazy weekend

Erika's birthday dinner was wonderful! The food was good, the conversation was better and I got many recommendations on places to eat in Portland. People ask me for recommendations all the time since I'm a bit of a foodie, but now I have many places to check out myself!

If you need any restaurant ideas, hit me up! I will help you out.

I had the clam linguine, it was in a light white wine sauce, and a few glasses of Italian wine. We went out afterwards and had a ball of a time. I hope she had as good of a time as we did.

On Friday, however, I was not so well. Need to be nicer to my liver. Friday was a  quiet day and mellow night. Just what I needed. I haven't worked out this weekend. Whoops! I will be back in the gym tomorrow. I think I need to start exploring how to schedule my weekends better so they are more productive.

Saturday I hit the mall with gal pal, Amy. We did some shopping, I tried on several swimsuits and settled on two from Victoria's Secret, but the sizes were limited, so I am going to order online. Pictures to come! I didn't hate bikini shopping, for the first time ever. It was nice. :) Amy and I went to lunch at Cheesecake Factory, we split a salad and an appetizer. It was lovely and I was not overstuffed. I'm excited to wear my new stuff! But really haven't been out of sweats much. My friend Rachel also gave me a pair of Citizen jeans that are a 29. I have been wearing a 29 in other brands, but I'm nervous to try them on. So I'm going to wait until I have a couple clean days, before trying them.

It was nice to have a couple really mellow days with E. I think it's really great when both of us can relax and just spend time with each other without obligations or stress getting in the way. I know that it's hard sometimes, but so important to a successful relationship, just to spend time with one another. Lately I have had several conversations with friends and family about the recipe for success in a relationship. I have come up with 3 conditions: fulfillment, self identity and respect. It is important to me, that I feel fulfilled in a relationship (I also think its important to separate happiness from fulfillment, because happiness can be fleeting), to not become so codependent that I lack my own identity and really, without respect, there is no relationship. I think that's what love means to me, as an adult. It's much different than my definition 10 years ago, but that's definitely a good thing. I'm so lucky to have the relationship that I do and am so excited to move forward with E.

This is us at Easter dinner 2013. Gorgeous day.

That's about all I've got to say at the moment. Catch ya later!

I like food, a lot

I'm a nerd and have been researching "how to be a good blogger." Don't laugh at me. One of the first tips is to not just talk about your day, to pick a subject, stick with it and don't confuse your readers. I know that my days aren't exactly riveting. Some of them are, but certainly not all. If I could do nothing but blog and live life, I would have 4 blogs. One for cooking, one for art (including hair), one for self improvement (physical and mental health) and one just for straight BS. I am more than one subject!!! So, I'm sorry if I'm too all over the place, lack consistency and/or lack consistently interesting subject matter. If this is the only area of my life that I'm arbitrary and directionless, I can handle it.

Today is my friend Erika's birthday. She's beautiful and funny and great. We're going out to dinner with her this evening around 8pm at a swanky Italian spot. I am trying to decide how well behaved I'm going to be. I WANT SO MUCH CREAMY PASTA IN MY BODY. I can't remember the last time I had pasta... March? It's a special occasion... so maybe I'll cram 2000 calories into my mouth tonight, but this gets me thinking about the times when we let ourselves "fall off the wagon."

I am a fantastic maintainer. I maintain my weight fantastically. I'm really proud of this. No shame about it. I know how frustrating yo-yo dieting can be, I've watched it take so many friends and family members on a nightmare emotional roller-coaster. When I committed to a healthier lifestyle I made a choice and when it comes to weight loss, this is the one thing I stand by: I only do things that I can maintain for the long haul. Maybe I will never be a size 4 because of this, but I could care less. I am healthy. I also dig french fries and fro-yo. So what? I might not be as committed as some who are losing rapidly, but I'm most definitely committed to my happiness and my balance. More power to the medifasters, advocarers, and jenny craigers. We are all different and need different things to keep motivated, but to survive in the real world? To keep the weight off after you've reached your goal? You're going to have to eat real food. I'm all about real food. I am pro-carb, pro-dessert, pro-wine and pro-dining out. I'm someone who believes in having it all, just not all at the same time and working your ass off in the gym (for me its trying to grow my booty... it's getting a little bigger!!!). I just want to live life. Not wait to live it until I hit the "right" weight to start living. Whew- that was a preach moment. But I'm passionate about it! I am not a yo-yo! I'm a woman, and I LIKE FOOD!

Today, I got an awesome work out. We did "super sets." These are shorter sets. 2 sets of between 8 and 10 reps, depending on how heavy it is. But, it should be HEAVY. I'm not a super experienced lifter and these were some of my numbers.

Leg press: 340lbs
Bench: 100lbs
Bicep curls: 20lb dumbells
Compound row: 120lbs
Lat pull down: 110lbs
Leg curls: 70lbs
Leg extensions: 70lbs

I also did weighted split squats, 25 minutes of high resistance cardio and abs. One of these days I will film some of the ab work outs I do. They are solid, always sore in the core. Ha!

It's just about time for class. But I will let you know how the dinner goes, in my post tomorrow. Have a nice evening all!

Hair day

This is just a little photo dump. I haven't been doing hair in a salon for almost 2 years now, but I still have some friends and family that seek me out. It's fun to do it and keeps me practicing. Today, we started at 2:00pm and did my roots, my sister got a cut, color and a few highlights and we did a blonde highlight with a violet ombré on my friend, Rachel. Also cut E's hair, but that's not so interesting. Just finished up with the last cut and styling around 7:30. Not too shabby! Here's some pics.

Mending bridges and other things

It's amazing how therapeutic this blogging thing is.

I think that we all have history that we're not proud of. There was a time in my not-so-distant past, that I am not proud of. Not because I was malicious, or cruel, just so erratic...lost, really.

I don't like to burn bridges. I think that there are seasons where separation is necessary, but I don't believe in enemies (other than the scale, but him and I will work it out). I actually hate the feeling of conflict. I hate when I cause other people pain and I despise the pain I feel when friendships fall apart. I have struggled with letting go of some people that I considered very close over the past 4 or so years.

Mistakes happen. People change. Death happens. People grow apart. But it hurts. There is no denying that I have not been the most incredible friend in the past. Now, I try to be. I misplaced some friends when we lost a person we all loved very much, in very different ways. I lost some others when I couldn't accept the reality that the man I thought was the love of my life, turned out not to be. Most recently the friendships that were severed, were due to choosing my needs over a friend's needs... I could make excuses all day for it, but that's really it at the root. I got back together with a boyfriend that I still had feelings for, even though 3 months prior... I broke his heart, badly. His (our) friends couldn't forgive me. I don't blame them. It was soon after the loss of my mom. I was grasping for straws, trying to keep the people that I loved so close, because I was so afraid. I held on too tight. I needed validation. I felt so alone. I went pretty crazy for a while. Some of my friends had to cut the tie with me because it was too difficult for them to be close. I feel so separated from this part of my life. I don't even recognize who I was.

In writing this blog and putting it out there for the world to see, I have reflected. The people from my past can choose whether or not to forgive me, reconnect or whatever, but I am open to mending the bridges. I guess what this is about, is forgiveness. Relationships aren't always easy. We are not always desirable. In that past couple of weeks, I have reconnected with some people that I wasn't sure I would ever speak to again. I couldn't be more thrilled. It feels good to be in a place where I feel confident and strong. I feel at peace (and a little hungry at the moment). I don't anticipate that these relationships can ever be exactly what they were in the past. What I do know, is that I loved each person for reasons that still stand, and the things that shouldn't have been said have no value. Today is a new day and the past is the history that made me who I am today. I like the me of today.

Moving on... Jacob and I are Beyoncé secured. Flights booked, tickets in hand. Just have to book the hotel! The concert is at the MGM Grand Arena, so we were thinking about staying at MGM. I've heard really good things about it. If you have anything to say about where we should stay, SPEAK UP! I'm really excited to get to Vegas and lay in the sun, go to the pool, eat good food. Gab with one of my very best friends and of course to see the PERFORMANCE OF A LIFETIME! I'm really hoping that she isn't pregnant (rumors swirling). I mean, GREAT! I would love for her to have more kids if she wants them, but in the middle of a world tour? Ugh.

I couldn't love her more.

Jacob and I, 2012

The Beyoncé trip also marks when Jacob will come live with me for 3 whole weeks! The sad part about that, is that it is his grand farewell. He's headed back to his homeland, New Zealand on July 22nd. Sad face. But we will have the summer of a lifetime! Happy face.

My little sister is coming over today, and I'm going to do her hair for her. She starts beauty school next week! Yay! Maybe I'll take some before and after pics for y'all. Aside from that today, I have a ton of homework, it's week 8. If you've been in college recently, you might know a thing or two about my state of being at the moment. Papers, speeches & exams... oh my!

For now, I should eat some lunch and maybe change out of my fleece leopard print footie pajamas.

Have a wonderful Wednesday.

So many days!

After that hectic Thursday, I decided to take it easy after class on Friday. Then I took it easy on Saturday, and again on Sunday. I got a solid work out in Sunday though! A friend of mine, Hollie, wanted to hang out and she suggested working out. So she got a pass to my gym and brought her juicer over, and made me a delicious vegetable and fruit juice. Juicing has never really been my thing, but I've dabbled. I only ever really loved one juice: carrot, orange and ginger. Which is like the ice cream of juicing. However it did noticeably help my vision! Anyway, after juicing, we went and did a pretty classic work out with Rachel.

Start with a warm up, 5 minutes of light cardio then go straight in to abdominals

• 90-second forward plank
• 60- second side planks
• 14 straight leg crunches (keep your feet 2-4 inches of the floor through the whole exercise and crunch up, and hold for at least 3 seconds, release and repeat!)
• 20 fast crunches
• 14 slow bicycle crunches 
• 20 fast crunches
• 90- second superman

Then hit the weights machines, 2 sets of 15 each

• lat pull downs
• tricep pulls
• weighted squats
• shoulder presses
• pec-fly
• adductors and abductors
• leg curls
• bicep curls

Finish off with cardio. 30 minutes high resistance elliptical and a 5 minute cool down on the treadmill, concluded with some yoga stretches.

After the work out, Hollie came over and we grilled some chicken and zucchini for lunch. It was light and hit the spot. Then the copious amount of wine started to flow.

My little sister is in a great band called Mount Joy. They are a Portland central, all girl, folk group and they're really good. Not just "I'm the big sister so you better like it, or else" way, but actually really talented. They write all of their own stuff and have a great sound. On Sunday night they had a launch party for their newly recorded album, I brought my friends Lance and Rachel along and I might have drank too much wine. I'm about 99% sure I drank too much wine, I'm sorry to any and all attendees that I might have spoken to after glass #4. There were some pictures. I was going to post them. Bad bad bad. Needless to say, Yesterday (Monday) I did not get much done. Here is a little linky-link, if you guys are interested in checking them out: Mount Joy. You will not regret it.

Lance, Rachel and I Laughing as usual. Only pic suitable for your viewing pleasure.

Mount Joy. Left to Right: Aubrey, Emily (lil sis), Leslie and Madi

 In other news: My book finally arrived! I've only just started reading it, but have a strong feeling it's going to be one I pass on to many of the beautiful women in my life. What I have gathered about the author so far: she was told by numerous psychological professionals, that living with Negative Body Obsession (NBO) is just life. It is the culture and society that we live in. But she wouldn't settle for that. She didn't believe that the 80-90% of women and rising number of men, should have to go through life hating parts of their physical appearance, or feeling like they are less worthy because of some percieved "flaw." I will give you a little quote, "There is nothing natural about

• a gnawing discontent with your physical appearance
• wanting to be somehow different so that you can feel beautiful, desirable and successful
• feeling dissatisfied every time you look in the mirror
• believing life would be better if you just weighed a little less or looked a little younger

On the contrary, what is natural is:

• The unshakable knowledge in your inherent beauty, goodness and strength
• experiencing yourself as inherently perfect
• experiencing the peace and bliss of your own being
• knowing you are absolutely lovable in this very momemt

So yes, NBO is "normal" and very common, but it is anything but natural." (Sarah Maria p.7)

 Excited to get more involved in it, hopefully its not too fluffy. But, I think I can handle a little hippy talk. Faux fur baby pink pillows, I cannot do. Nag champa, handle-able.

Today I had a very sweaty work out in weights. Michelle is challenging me every day to do better, just by doing well herself. She's got her mile down to a record low, so I had to make sure I could still beat her, 8:40 mile, folks. My lungs still hurt. I'm pathetic. My Aunt Tess just ran her first half marathon and we are all SO proud of her. She did an amazing job. Even though I'm kind of on a running hiatus, she encouraged me to consider a half coming up this August. Seriously considering it.

grossly sweaty and hawt

I always pack awesome food on school days (tues, thurs, and fri) but that doesn't keep me from going ham on the weekends. I try to be good, but it's like there is no bottom to my stomach on Saturday and Sunday. Here's an example of a "lunch" for me.

This one includes baby carrots (10), 1/2c raw zucchini, 1/2c persian cucumber, champagne mango (I cut off the two sides and just eat around the pit when I'm making my lunch. It's easy to eat this way, just scrape the food off with your teeth!), 2 tangelos, a salad of grilled chicken, quinoa, and 1c spinach with yumm sauce, 7 multigrain crackers and hummus and 2 little nut clusters for a sweet finish. I understand this is a lot of information on something that is not important or even interesting. Deal with it.

I had a nice weekend. Shut my brain off as often as possible. Enjoyed the company of a handful of friends. Had some solid philosophical conversations. Got a little sloppy. Loved E. I missed the blog though. I'll try to not be away for so long. Hope your weekend was great too. :)

What a life.

I am currently feeling extremely relaxed, maybe because of my song choice (playing on repeat),

For whatever reason, I'm really digging on this song right now, it just calms my mind. I might also feel relaxed from the killer work out I just subjected myself to, while I studied for my astronomy exam

Or maybe it's because I competed my speech and received a grade of 95/100, HOLLA! When I can upload the video of it, I will, for your viewing pleasure. I'm THAT proud of myself. :)

It might also be that my school hosted a health fair today, and I was able to get my vision, blood pressure and hearing checked FOR FREE! Which is awesome when you're like me and have no health insurance. I also was referred to OHSU for dental work. OHSU is a learning hospital/health facility, so they give you a discounted rate on dental work because the students are practicing on you. Heavily supervised of course. I need my wisdom teeth pulled, and surely need a filling or two. I wish dental work wasn't so damned expensive. I take good care of my teeth, but I know that deep cleanings and maintenance are VERY important. So, My vision was 20/15 on both eyes (awesome) my blood pressure was 113/65 (I think that's good?) and my hearing was perfect in both ears. I then went to test my body fat percentage with one of those machine deely-bops that you hold straight out, and that thing is WRONG. Just plain wrong. It's mostly dependent upon your height and weight and it put me at 29% body fat. There is no problem with this percentage necessarily, I just had a caliper done by a professional 7 weeks ago (before the heavy lifting) and had 24.7% body fat. So eff that noise.

I still have an astronomy exam that starts in about 25 minutes, so I should spend these last precious moments cramming as much information as possible... But I want to take a moment and thank my friends and family that have offered me feedback on my blog, I really appreciate it. Makes my heart smile knowing that people are enjoying it, because I am too! I also want to thank all of you that have been so supportive throughout.... my whole life. 

And just one more thing, I am a devoted Grey's Anatomy viewer. I know, embarrassing. The season finale is tonight. I am geeking out about it. Can't wait to pour a glass of wine and curl up on the couch with pup. :)

Casual today, top knot, wet hair. Clearly really trying today. Have a good evening! Love.