Mending bridges and other things

It's amazing how therapeutic this blogging thing is.

I think that we all have history that we're not proud of. There was a time in my not-so-distant past, that I am not proud of. Not because I was malicious, or cruel, just so erratic...lost, really.

I don't like to burn bridges. I think that there are seasons where separation is necessary, but I don't believe in enemies (other than the scale, but him and I will work it out). I actually hate the feeling of conflict. I hate when I cause other people pain and I despise the pain I feel when friendships fall apart. I have struggled with letting go of some people that I considered very close over the past 4 or so years.

Mistakes happen. People change. Death happens. People grow apart. But it hurts. There is no denying that I have not been the most incredible friend in the past. Now, I try to be. I misplaced some friends when we lost a person we all loved very much, in very different ways. I lost some others when I couldn't accept the reality that the man I thought was the love of my life, turned out not to be. Most recently the friendships that were severed, were due to choosing my needs over a friend's needs... I could make excuses all day for it, but that's really it at the root. I got back together with a boyfriend that I still had feelings for, even though 3 months prior... I broke his heart, badly. His (our) friends couldn't forgive me. I don't blame them. It was soon after the loss of my mom. I was grasping for straws, trying to keep the people that I loved so close, because I was so afraid. I held on too tight. I needed validation. I felt so alone. I went pretty crazy for a while. Some of my friends had to cut the tie with me because it was too difficult for them to be close. I feel so separated from this part of my life. I don't even recognize who I was.

In writing this blog and putting it out there for the world to see, I have reflected. The people from my past can choose whether or not to forgive me, reconnect or whatever, but I am open to mending the bridges. I guess what this is about, is forgiveness. Relationships aren't always easy. We are not always desirable. In that past couple of weeks, I have reconnected with some people that I wasn't sure I would ever speak to again. I couldn't be more thrilled. It feels good to be in a place where I feel confident and strong. I feel at peace (and a little hungry at the moment). I don't anticipate that these relationships can ever be exactly what they were in the past. What I do know, is that I loved each person for reasons that still stand, and the things that shouldn't have been said have no value. Today is a new day and the past is the history that made me who I am today. I like the me of today.

Moving on... Jacob and I are Beyoncé secured. Flights booked, tickets in hand. Just have to book the hotel! The concert is at the MGM Grand Arena, so we were thinking about staying at MGM. I've heard really good things about it. If you have anything to say about where we should stay, SPEAK UP! I'm really excited to get to Vegas and lay in the sun, go to the pool, eat good food. Gab with one of my very best friends and of course to see the PERFORMANCE OF A LIFETIME! I'm really hoping that she isn't pregnant (rumors swirling). I mean, GREAT! I would love for her to have more kids if she wants them, but in the middle of a world tour? Ugh.

I couldn't love her more.

Jacob and I, 2012

The Beyoncé trip also marks when Jacob will come live with me for 3 whole weeks! The sad part about that, is that it is his grand farewell. He's headed back to his homeland, New Zealand on July 22nd. Sad face. But we will have the summer of a lifetime! Happy face.

My little sister is coming over today, and I'm going to do her hair for her. She starts beauty school next week! Yay! Maybe I'll take some before and after pics for y'all. Aside from that today, I have a ton of homework, it's week 8. If you've been in college recently, you might know a thing or two about my state of being at the moment. Papers, speeches & exams... oh my!

For now, I should eat some lunch and maybe change out of my fleece leopard print footie pajamas.

Have a wonderful Wednesday.