Another Monday

(Sunday, September 8th....)

It's kind of challenging figuring out what kind of eater you're going to be once you've cleaned the slate. Really, it's been terribly frustrating. Call me a whiner and yes, these are definitely first world problems, but I am struggling with this.

It's hard to keep from gulping down coffee every morning and having pizza for dinner (and breakfast). So far I have enjoyed a breakfast sandwich from a great spot called Bing's in Seattle, that involved 2 eggs, 3 slices of bacon, cheddar cheese and a side of home fries. I did my best and left as much of the bread as I could and hardly touched the potatoes, but I didn't want to do it at all. Last night E's sister-in-law made this delicious pasta with a chicken, bacon, mushroom and artichoke heart cream sauce, you bet your ass I mowed that down. I finished the evening off with 1/2 a chocolate cupcake and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I can feel my gut expanding by the minute. 

I stood in the snack isle contemplating some sort of salty snack. After I agonized for a while, I decided against it. I grabbed a bottle of water and sullenly left the isle. E laughed. I was so frustrated I could cry.  I simply said "You should understand the conversation I have in my head before you laugh at me. It's unbelievably disheartening that I stand you and think to myself, 'I can have a snack or I can have lunch.'" I know the reality of this is healthy snacking, which I'm happy to do, but it sucks that when you're hoping to lose weight and you've had 2 small pancakes for breakfast, you have to make careful choices throughout the day. 

I get why people just decide not to care. I understand the desire to ignore nutritional labels and on occasion, I do. Some people might consider this to be an unhealthy obsession and truly, sometimes it is. Being a recovering bulimic, that is 20 lbs overweight seems impossible. Being addicted to food is an ultimate pain in the ass. Shifting one's thinking from food making you feel good to food keeping your body nourished, seems impossible. So what's the answer? Hypnosis? Therapy? Diligence? 

Still trying to figure it out.

We have been in Seattle, WA, because E is battling in the "Emerald City Cat Fight," which is the North American Gay Volleyball Association's big Seattle tournament. I am currently surrounded by 100s of athletic, attractive, sweaty men. Only a handful of them are interested in my flavor (E specifically), but I'm sure all of my twinkling stars would be in heaven. The gays and I get along pretty well, so I'm not having such a horrible time. 

However, one can only watch so much volleyball and I'm hungry. We've been at the gym since 8:30 this morning, it's 3:10pm and there is currently no end in sight.

Being here, has been a bit of an eye opening experience for me. I love my man. I really do, but I think I sacrifice too much. He and I have been on all of one trip together where he isn't playing volleyball all day long. He doesn't like to travel much, so when he does, he goes to compete. I love that he's athletic. It inspires me to stay on my course, but I don't really have a "thing." I thought running might be it, but I'm not so sure. Maybe I need to try some sports and see if anything suits my fancy. I told him maybe I should join a choir so he could come watch concerts every weekend. :)

I think I might dabble in some sports. It's a little hard to start doing something that I've never done before, as you've learned from previous posts, but maybe it's time to just get over it. Anyone want to start a kickball team?

(Monday, September 9th...)

I have just returned from a 4.15 mile run. I made the mistake of finishing the run with a giant hill. So that's about when the run became a walk. My heart was definitely pumping, so I think I was burning plenty of calories. I reeeeeeeeeeallly miss my running app and heart rate monitor. It seems funny to miss those things, but I really do. I am in desperate need of current technology.

Anywho. It's good to be home. It's time to hide the scale and try to start living my life healthfully. School starts in 2 weeks and thankfully we have some gorgeous weather ahead of us this week.

I hope you are well.