The enemy: the scale

Michelle from Shape up, or Ship out., challenged me to a month without the scale. I reluctantly agreed. The scale is both the best friend and the enemy of a person who is recovering from disordered eating. I want to be clear that I no longer am actively bulimic and I haven't been for quite some time, but just like any other addict, I will be recovering for the rest of my life. The hardest part of overcoming it, is getting out of my head and realizing that the number on the scale, or the amount of calories I ate today do not define me, nor do they define my beauty or value. Committing to letting go of my scale was both terrifying and liberating. I had E hide the one at home (somewhere where I can't reach, I'm sure, because I'm 5'2" and he's 6'2") and I avoided the ones at the gyms. For whatever reason, I decided to weigh myself today. Michelle cheated way earlier though!!! I don't know what possessed me to weigh. It was in the middle of the day, Aunt Flo's in town and I had just eaten. Needless to say, I was up 2 lbs. If you're curious, my current weight (as of today) is 155lbs. I have a goal weight of 140lbs, but I am taking my sweet time to achieve it. My high weight was 192lbs. I am not so consumed with reaching my goal weight as I am consumed with not gaining. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I haven't gained my weight back. There have been fluctuations, sure, but in general, I have just been losing at a very moderate pace for 3 years.

Some days, that's REALLY frustrating. I have spent the last 3 years fighting with my urge to step on the scale multiple times a day. The scale has completely owned me. If my number was up, I would work out harder, I would eat less, and feel like a failure. If it was down? I would feel like I could eat more than 1300 cal that day and be in a great mood. I thought about that number constantly. It's embarrassing to type this out, knowing that people will read it, but I think it's important. I think that many women struggle with disordered eating and obsession with weight, but it doesn't get discussed unless you are an extreme: severely anorexic, bulimic, or obese. American culture grooms us to have eating disorders. We are bombarded with some plastic kind of beauty and feel like it's what we have to be, and if we can't be, we're not good enough. We are all so different. There has been a big push for a broader definition of beauty, and incorporating different body types in the media. That's all great, but it isn't that simple. We have been taught these things (not so subtly) since childhood. Unfortunately, it is such a personal battle. I wasn't thin when I was bulimic. I was miserable. I don't want to feel shame about who I am or what I have struggled with. You shouldn't either. The only way for me to get to the point that I can truly love my body, is if I stop punishing it and myself. You deserve the same. I will not be a swimsuit model. I will never be taller and I will never (healthily) weigh 110 lbs, but I have to learn that I don't need to be. Maybe someday I won't even want to be.  I know all the right things to say, but that's God's honest truth. I'm not there yet. I will be, because I want it. I want to be free of this. It gets better every day. I'm excited for it. I'm actually awaiting a book that I ordered on Amazon called "Love Your Body, Love Your Life". I've heard really amazing things about it and can't wait to crack it open. I will let you know how it goes.

In other news. One of my classmates at school is starting her journey to health and her and I had some time to talk today. It's really nice to be able to motivate people to chose health and happiness. I'm really excited for her and can't wait to see her progress. Since she is currently not very active, I directed her to the app MyFitnessPal (great, when you're starting out) and the Couch to 5k program. I really hope that she is able to accomplish her goals. I told her "This is the first day of your new life, it's exciting!" It can seem so daunting to take on losing weight. It is at first, but then you have your new active lifestyle... and everything is just better. There is no way around that.

Anyway, today was a lifting day. I still got in 30 minutes of cardio, but Tuesdays and Thursdays are my heavy lifting days. My work out buddy, Ty, accused me of trying to kill her today... but she told me what trouble spots she wanted to focus on... so I focused on them! We're going to be very sore tomorrow. Sore is good!

I gotta eat my lunch, but here's me today! I am wearing my only pair of jeans, I'm more of a skirt gal, but these jeans are fab and really help with my "flat-ass problems." Also my fave watch by Michael Kors ( LOVE Michael Kors). Keeping it casual today.

I really hope I'm not being too serious for you. I thought I would be a lot more funny, but I'm just not. I'm way funnier in person, I swear.

Hope you're having a good day!