Depression.

I can sit here and make up all the excuses in the world, but truthfully I have none.

I'm experiencing a wave of depression that's taking no hostages.

I don't want to be negative and my purpose isn't to bring anyone down with me, but I am sure that some of you are experiencing something similar with the dramatic change in weather and the eminent dark abyss hanging over our heads. Others of you are unaffected. Either way, we all have seasons of down and seasons of up. I try to stay on the upside as much as possible, but sometimes, when enough variables work together, keeping my chin up is a little harder than other times. I always will keep my chin up, but it's been a little harder lately.

What happens when I experience depression:

• isolation
• exhaustion
• inability to think clearly
• anxiety

My case isn't helped much by the fact that I'm sick, not just in the depressed way. I have a sinus infection that won't quit. The infection itself leaves me with the sinus pressure that makes you feel like your eyes are going to explode, blind spots here and there and just an overall feeling that I'm going to pass out. No cough, runny nose or congestion. So maybe it's a sinus migraine that won't quit?

Whenever I experience any big changes in my life, this happens. I feel unstable. I get ill. Then, once I've adapted, the negative feelings and the sickness go away and I feel like myself again. It's an obnoxious pattern to go through. I've become accustomed to it over the years, but I would really like to find a way to avoid it completely. This may be something I need to approach with a therapist. I prefer not to medicate myself. I know that antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication can be very useful, but as a personal choice, I have always tried to manage them with diet, exercise and therapy.

It's hard to be a good friend when you feel so unlike yourself. It's even harder to be a good partner.

I don't feel all "woe is me." This shouldn't serve the purpose of anyone pitying me. It also shouldn't excuse any of my negative behavior. I think I just needed to talk about it. 

I have never been a super positive person. I have always considered myself a realist. I will tell you my view in 1st person, as I don't want to push my opinion on any of you. My viewpoint is that life is a series of seasons, ebb and flow. There will be times when joy comes easily and other times when I have to look harder for it... then there are times that I can't find it, no matter how hard I look, but there is peace in knowing that every season has an end. 

Happiness isn't my utmost goal, peace is. For me, peace is happiness. Then there's joy, but that's a whole different topic, that should be discussed while I'm feeling it. 

I believe in the power of positive thinking, but I'm really not very well practiced in it. Negative self-talk has kind of been my thing, forever. It has to do with a hard life. It also has to do with anxiety and fear, but neither of those things are an excuse. If you've been reading my blog for a bit, you've seen that I've tried some new things this year and learned about some of my challenges with that. Someday soon, I will not blame or punish myself, put myself down, or focus on the negatives. I will also do my best to not anticipate the worst. After all, what harm is there in anticipating the best? Is there harm in being uplifting toward myself? Why can't I look at my day and think "I understood my math class today, that feels awesome." Rather than "I didn't understand my math class the last 2 sessions, even though I understood it today, it's probably going to be difficult again."

That right there is clarifying. I hate how true that is to my thought process right now. 

I know for some of you, the positive thinkers of the bunch, this is probably hard to read. I'm also aware that it's probably not easy for you to be around me sometimes. I apologize for that, but I also have no shame in the fact that I am an individual who is learning a new way of thinking. 

In other news. I've still been working out. Yoga, weights, elliptical, the works. I've been eating a little more than usual, but I credit that to my immune system needing more energy... right? hahaha I know BS when I type it.  Nothing has been out of hand.

I do miss my Eugene Hunnies (honey=hunny, honies=hunnies... who am I? Pooh bear?). I think I will be making a trip down to see those gal pals, very soon. I sincerely hope that this blog hasn't been a big downer for you and that you were able to find some value in it. I also hope that my positive thinkers haven't given up on me yet.