I was a difficult child, to say the least. I was very emotional and insecure, but I was also smart and intuitive. I picked up on every little thing, asked a lot of questions, pushed people's buttons for fun. You can ask my sisters, I was not an easy sibling, certainly not an easy daughter. I was a normal kid until I hit about 8 years old and then due to some familial stress that I happened to pick up on, I gained 80 lbs in a year. I was well over 120lbs as a 3rd grader. I never fit into "tween" clothes, I went straight from a little kid, to having to wear clothing that were 10-12 in women's sizes. It was HARD, to say the very least. My mom was like most women, she constantly struggled with her weight. When I got so big, my parents were very concerned, but childhood obesity wasn't as common back then and the they had 3 other kids and other issues to deal with. It mattered to them, but it's a very delicate balance. How do you tell your kid that she's fat? How do you help her, without completely destroying her confidence? My parents did everything to subtly encourage me to lose weight, but every subtle comment felt like a dagger. Felt like I wasn't good enough. It felt like no one wanted me.
Mom struggled with insecurity and really wanted us to grow up without a weight problem, so maybe we would be better off. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out that way. When Mom & Dad got married, she was young and a perfect 6/8. But she had 4 daughters, and we are no more than 2 years apart. I can't imagine what that feels like. Not having time to think about yourself, not having time to love yourself. She gained a lot of weight, and as a family we adopted an unhealthy lifestyle. But really, to me, it's not about the weight. My mom felt badly about herself. She felt unattractive. Even as a young girl, I understood this. It made me sad. It still makes me sad. I would be lying if I said that my mother's weight struggle doesn't affect the way I deal with my own. I do know this though: my mom wanted more for me. She wanted better. She loved us so much that she wanted so desperately for us to have it better than she did, avoid her mistakes etc.
This is one of the many things I think about, as I reflect on my weight loss and my lifestyle. I want to be confident and feel strong and beautiful. The important word is feel. My mom was very strong, and very beautiful, but she didn't realize it until later in life. If I am ever blessed with a daughter, I want to be aware of my worth, so I can teach my child what it is to treat her body well and carry herself with confidence and self love.
Now that I have typed all of this, I guess I want exactly what mom wanted. Hopefully I can succeed.
I should take a moment and talk about all of the great things about her, because she had so many amazing qualities and I'm proud to be like her. My mom was a hostess with the mostest. She threw a great party and even though we had a tight budget and couldn't do all the things we wanted, she made our home comfortable and stylish. Giving birth to 4 children is really enough, but then she bathed, clothed and made sure we didn't kill each other too. She worked dead end jobs so we could play sports and we could go to summer camp. She was quick witted, funny, open minded and loving. Oh, so loving. When my dad passed, she survived. She didn't curl up in a ball and shut out the world. She succeeded. She often set herself aside to make sure we were happy. She was my best friend. She loved me when I was undesirable, she was patient with me when I was out of control, she laughed with me when it may have seemed inappropriate, she cried with me when I was hurting and stood up for me when no one else would.
My mom was not perfect and my time with her was too short, but I am so grateful to have had her at all. I am still learning from her... I would give up almost anything to hear her laugh again.
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| 2006 |
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| 2007 |
Happy Mother's day, to all of you mothers. You are more precious than you can ever know.
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