Few and Far Between

I am experiencing a "don't want to work out, don't care what I eat" lull. 

It's Spring. For me, that means prying myself out of the depths of PTSD induced depression. I know, I write a lot about depression. I'm sorry to be so depressing. I am most inclined to write when I am feeling less than awesome. Because when I'm feeling awesome? I would rather just live it. So, that's that.

I need to be clear, I am NOT sad. In fact I feel just fine, other than being overwhelmingly tired and lacking motivation. I feel great. This last week, I finished off the term, got some wedding details sorted, ran a 5k, spent time with friends. I have been eating pretty much everything in sight. Starting with all the chocolate, pizza and Indian food (if you haven't eaten at Bollywood Theatre, you should) the world has to offer. I am out of the swing of things, and that's ok, because this is just what my body does to deal with the added stress caused by the smells, sounds and feelings of spring. In a couple of weeks I will be back to normal. Every year it becomes more and more predictable.

I get to go see my lifelong bestie, Bethany on Sunday, and for 4 days straight! On my agenda:

- Eat many baked goods (she is a pastry chef)

- Drink too much, at least once

- Take a beautiful hike

- Eat at a fancy restaurant, where I can be overly critical and overpay, but thoroughly enjoy my experience.

- Meet all of her friends

- Watch some Disney 

- Laugh

It will be nice to get out of town and I hope to come back feeling well rested and ready to get back into summer/wedding body mode again. I am planning to Advocare cleanse starting on the 31st, any takers?

I will be making a workout schedule soon, because it's almost time for me to start training for a HALF MARATHON. It's crazy-pants, but I'm really going to try to get there. With the wedding and all of the festivities, I don't want to stress myself too much with the training. We shall see. I'm going to chat with Beth about it, because she's a veteran, maybe she can give me some pointers. 

I will be cutting back on my lifting, I have been doing 3 days, but it may become just 1 day a week. I will shoot for 2. I really love what it does for my body, but heavy lifting is counteracting to long distance running. I will be doing some research and if anyone has any pointers, they should let me know!

E and I took some engagement photos, I thought I might give you some to look at. They're just roughs, so don't get too critical. 

Now I'm going to go pick up my little sister to go to my house and watch Frozen, again. I think I will be a great mom, strictly because I love watching kid movies on repeat... It's like I'm 3 years old. Except, not.

I have a great paleo cookie recipe I made up! I will post it soon.

Scale Addict

Owning a scale for a recovering bulimic, is like always keeping alcohol in the house for an alcoholic.

It's just a bad, inconsiderate idea. (To be clear, am the inconsiderate one).

I know I've blogged about this before and I'm doing it again. I am so SICK, of thinking about my weight. My god, I am not a number on the scale. I am not defined by it, but these days it sure feels like it. 

It's like I'm having a scale relapse. I do well for a while and stay away from it, or weigh myself once a week, then bam! I'm back at it. Every. Damn. Day. I weigh myself and eat according to the number and wait until I get a number I like (ahem, 152), then I celebrate by living like a normal person again and watch the number climb back to 155.

I'm so tired of looking at 155. It makes me feel so discouraged. I don't feel like I'm that weight. In reality, I feel pretty good. I feel 10 lbs lighter than that. I also feel like I should be 10 lbs lighter.

BUT, I think about what I would have to do to get those last 10 lbs off of me and I sound like a big baby, but I just don't want to. 

I already work out 6 days a week, I practice eating in moderation and cook healthy meals. I am a healthy person. I don't want to have to eliminate things that I enjoy. More power to the people who have made health and fitness their lives, i think that's great, but it just isn't me. I don't even want it to be me.

I want to feel good, look good, and be good. I don't want to run a marathon, compete in a fitness competition or climb Mount Everest. I just want to be a better version of myself, every day.

I know these things in my heart, but I so easily get distracted by fluctuations and obsessed with the number. It's no way to live.

So this was my confession, I am having a scale relapse and it's time to move on. The scale is going away. So I can remember why I live healthfully. So I can learn to love myself the way that I am. 155 or otherwise.

It's In the Journey... right?

I fear I won't ever reach the 140s.

I know I will, but god damn. This is not even CLOSE to easy anymore. I have been weighing myself, despite gender induced water retention. I am back at good ole 155. We've been friends for a long time, 155, but I don't like you anymore and would appreciate you biting the dust already.

I fall of the wagon a bit on the weekends, so that could use some work. I wasn't referring to the sobriety wagon, but I may as well be, because them vodka sodas have to go somewhere and they really prefer to be soaked up with things like tater tots, nachos or my personal fave: pizza.

I have gotten over the hump of skipping my work outs after a night out, but it doesn't mean I enjoy it and also doesn't prevent delicious sausage and bacon from coming out of no where and falling into my belly. I don't even know how it happens... 

My favorite passtime is planning, preparing, serving and enjoying a meal with friends and/or family. I freaking love it, and I usually behave well whilst cooking, I also find that after slaving over it, I'm less likely to gorge, but the problem with being a good cook (if I do say so myself) is I can cook literally whatever I could possibly think of at any moment in time. Homemade Alfredo? Pizza from scratch? Delicious fried Chinese? Thai pad kee mao? Indian Korma? I'll have one of each please. E and I don't even eat out very often. Don't have to. (Note: I had to give up Alfredo completely... Too good and too bad at the same time. Made me crazy.)

I love my shakes because it takes the guess work out of one meal a day. On days that I'm gone all day, I put something in the crock pot in the morning. Today it's chicken breast with pineapple, peppers, onion and "soyaki" sauce from trader joes. E will put brown rice on an hour before I get home and voila! Dinner. I don't really have a big lunch. I had 1/2 c pineapple, some jerky and a fresh juice. I do great on weekdays!!!! I need to work on this on the weekends. I think I may have to do away with hard alcohol. At least for the time being. I love my wine. It's easier to manage and better for my body, so hopefully I will see/feel a difference.  

Today was a low body lift day. I skipped my sprints, because I was just NOT feeling it today. I did about 3, 20 second sprints at an elevation of 6 and 9.5 mph... It didn't feel good. So I stopped. I still got a great work out in, and some abs. I can see my body changing, but like the rest of the world, I'm wishing for that fast forward button! 

Tomorrow is a run (jog really). I think I'll push for 5 or 6. It's been a while since I went over 5 miles. I am all signed up for the Shamrock 5k, the Rum Run 10k in May and the Canby Dahlia Half in august. If anyone wants to join me for any or all or these, let me know! 

I know that it's not about this, and I promise I don't always think this way, but man, it would be nice to just be skinny already. 

 One day at a time.

Shakeology

I have had a few of you ask about Shakeology and how/why I like it. Here goes.

I am reluctant to jump on any diet band wagon. Actually more than hesitant, I generally avoid them at all costs. Shakeology is not a diet for me, although it can help you lose weight. I was on the hunt for a supplement. I eat a lot of food. Due to my past eating disorder issues I am always searching for balance, where I actually get enough nutrition, without going overboard. Having a supplement is really helpful for me, especially in the morning. I like to work out in the mornings, but in order to do that effectively, I can't be too empty or too full.  Shakes are perfect for me. I don't feel bogged down and I loathe cramps while running. I make a shake in the morning, and feel comfortable to work out. Not only that, I am not hungry for at least 3 hours. If you have experience supplementing, you know that sometimes they are not satisfying for very long. Not the case with shake-o.

The reasons I chose shakeology out of all the shakes out there, are aplenty. First and foremost- it is extremely nutrient rich.  It has pre-biotic and pro-biotic, vitamins, about 25% of your daily fiber intake. There isn't another shake out there like it. Trust me, I researched. 

I make mine with 8oz of unsweetened almond milk, If I am making a chocolate shake, I add about a half of a frozen banana, 3 ice cubes and 1 T peanut butter. It equals about 280 calories. With the Greenberry, I add 1/4 c. frozen fruit (I prefer raspberries) only about 210 calories. Having two flavors on hand is really nice. Out of all the people I know who use it, Greenberry and chocolate are the favorites, but I have been hearing a lot about the strawberry, which I haven't tried yet.

It's more expensive than slim fast and straight whey protein, but for me, it's worth it. The added benefits of the vitamins, probiotics and fiber keep me feeling energetic, healthy and regular. :) essentially, if you are taking any vitamin supplements, fiber or probiotics, once you start shakeology you can stop. It's all inclusive. In addition to increased energy, I have also noticed my moods have improved and I have felt more level. I also have bypassed the colds and flus of January. I just feel better. I feel balanced.

In other news: I got my nails and toes done and the nail lady said that I have "very nice feet, soft and small." So that was nice. 

If you have more questions about Shakeology, fitness DVDs or what have you, please let me know! I'll hook you up.

How I Roll

I never make promises that I can't keep. Which is precisely why I made no promises about the timeliness of my blogging.

Yet here I am again. I want to talk about things that Facebook could give to shits about, so, hi. Big Hello to my friends and some random readers (stalkers) who aren't really my friends, (but certainly could be!). Let's be real though, I'm not really stalk-worthy. I would have to be interesting, uber hawt or funny for that.

Moving on.

The term is settling in fairly nicely. As is my goal to lose weight for the wedding, plan the wedding and still be awesome. No easy task my friends.

Lately I have been having a fruit and veggie juice 4 times a week and starting my days with Shakeology. I just switched over to Greenberry flavor and I am loving it. If you have ever had the green tea latte from Starbucks, it's kind of like that. Very matcha-ey, also fruity and delicious, much better than the vegan chocolate flavor. I have also become a Quest bar addict and have taken E down with me. Thankfully his favorite is the cinnamon roll one, so I get lucky that he doesn't eat all of my delicious, wonderful, miraculous cookie dough flavor. Seriously, they are heavenly. If you haven't tried them yet, you're wasting time. They're expensive but in my opinion, TOTALLY worth it. I have also been trying to keep my empty carbs low. (Translated: I only drink 4 nights a week instead of 7! Not literally, but also... literally).

I work out kind of a lot these days. I am burning between 500 and 900 calories 6 days week in my work outs which consist of running (logging about 10-12 miles a week), sprints (2-3 times a week), and all of the WEIGHTLIFTING. Last time around I utilized mostly machines, this time around I'm going with free weights which has proven to be more difficult, but also more rewarding (isn't that how it goes?). Also, I look like a freaking monster when I do it, which is awesome. People don't really talk to me in the weight room. I think I'm too busy grunting, screaming and loudly exhaling. I think my weight lifting gloves and beastly quads may also contribute to the intimidation factor... I could be wrong. I may not be intimidating at all. I may just smell bad.

Mostly, I have been roughly following Brandi's (from Mama Laughlin) weight lifting plan, because, let's get real, her ass looks grrrrrrrrrreat! I am always looking for new moves to stir it up though. I am excited to give you all some before and afters, but probably after the swelling from copious amounts of seafood goes down and the curse of the has vagina passed. So I am thinking in about 12 days?

In other news I got down to a REAL 152. In the middle of the day, 152lbs. That's a big freaking deal for me. I am giving myself 2 weeks to reach the 140s, so here goes nothing!

Life has been good. My laptop broke. That was sad... but it broke while I was working out on the elliptical and now my skinny jeans look a lot better than they used do... SO that's a plus. (Did you ever wonder what optimism is? That was it.)

Re-entering Blogosohere

Hey strangers, it's been a while.

A lot has been going on in my world. Mostly what detracted from my blogging was an EXTREMELY challenging term in school. I can't tell you how many times I wept into my college algebra book, but thank heavens! It's over and I've passed! Other than that, I've mostly been trying to figure out what it means to be a bride, to plan a wedding, to be healthy and happy.

Weddings are a crazy business, but I have been extremely blessed by my future in-laws and a wonderful man that has stood by me and at times carried me through it all. I, of course, want to be the most beautiful and fit bride in the whole wide world, so I have been doing my best to hit the gym and take care of myself.

In the "take care of myself" sector, I have dipped my toes into the ocean of Beachbody. My girlfriend Rachel is a coach and she had so many wonderful things to say about drinking Shakeology shakes, that I just had to see for myself. I love having a supplement on hand. Lately I've been having a shake for breakfast and fresh juice in the afternoon. I have been trying to have a light lunch and really whatever I want for dinner.... within reason of course. E and I also got the T25 workouts. T25 is NO JOKE. The results are great and show themselves rapidly, but it is HARD. All caps H-A-R-D. I would recommend it to anyone, especially to those without access to a gym or a lot of time to spend sweating it out. It's only 25 minutes. It's over before you know it. If you are interested in Shakeology or all things Beachbody, feel free to check out my girl's page Rachel Davis Fitness Coach. She's really awesome and encouraging. She is a great asset to my fit life and can be for you also, no matter what your fitness level is.

Just recently I went through a bit of a depression. After the holidays I was so burnt out and really missing my parents. I was also experiencing some insecurities and some real bad habits started sneaking up on me. I had a really difficult time getting out of bed for about a week. If you've ever been depressed, you know what this feels like. Sweet E comes to me at about day 5, and says "I love you babe, but you've got to know, that at some point you just have to get out of bed and fake it until you make it." I was pretty pissed when he said it, because that meant I had to get out of bed, when everything in my being was telling me to hibernate.

The next day, on my mom's (what would be) 54th birthday, I got out of bed. I did it for her and I did it for me and for the person I want to be. I went on a hike. I went out for dinner with friends. I cried. I sweat. I laughed... and even though I wasn't 100% there, it felt a lot better. It's been only 3 days since then. Since school has started back up again and thankfully is not a stress-fest, I have been out of the house, working out hard, being stimulated and feeling a lot better.

I have to head to class, but in the next few days, I want to throw some numbers (measurements, weight etc) and my current plan at you. I am going to be seeing some serious results in the next 8 weeks. I just know it. So maybe you'll even get some before pics!

Thanks for reading. Hope this finds you well.

Updatin'

Lately I've been having a difficult time sorting my thoughts.

I'm not very good at managing stress. Really, I avoid stressful situations. I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work this term has brought me and then all the sudden one of the happiest moments of my life. I got engaged.

                         

                         

People ask E and I how our relationship works. We have become the kind of relationship that many of our friends strive for. Maybe we got lucky, but not in the way of "soul mates". We got lucky because we have partners that understand that love, passion and commitment are not free. They don't come without work. That work comes in many forms. From simply listening and following through, to encouraging and pushing one another to improve. A good relationship, one that stands the test of time, is one that fosters growth, both personally and within the relationship. They always say "You can't be loved by someone until you love yourself." I can't agree with this more. Taking care of yourself, psychologically and physically is the greatest gift to your partner. The second greatest is patience, because somedays you will be ahead of the game, others you will be far behind, but either way you're in it together. You have to help each other stay at pace.

It is much easier to remain stagnant than to evolve, but stagnation is what makes us old. It's what closes our minds and makes us inflexible to change. This is a whole different tangent and I'm too young to be any sort of expert on the matter.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

It took about 6 days for me to fully realize I was engaged. I think I've fully realized it, but maybe in a month I will feel different. I honestly don't know how to conduct myself as a bride. I do know there's about a million things I have to think about and do, but frankly, the only time I have to do that is when I need to sleep. I have been taking herbal sleeping supplements to avoid losing nights of sleep. I think that all of these "bridey" tasks will have to wait until after this term is over. I do know that I am shooting for a late July date, 7 months is enough time to plan a wedding.... right?

I'm very happy and it's a time for celebration, so I'm working on chilling out and having a good time.

In other news:

I have NO desire to work out. This week I have done one 5 mile run and a couple sessions of yoga. I'm starting to feel pretty nervous about squeezing into my halloween costume, but whatever. I haven't gained any weight, just getting a bit soft. I have of course, set my goal weight loss for before the wedding. I would like to lose 10-15 lbs by the time I'm trying on wedding gowns. I plan to do this by going paleo. I really do agree with this kind of nutrition, but it doesn't change how much I enjoy cheese and bread. This is something E and I are going to take on together. At the moment, I'm thinking 6 days a week paleo and 1 day off. My sister and her husband have been doing paleo and have had great success. I'm hoping my skin will clear up.

                   

I also need to make a new training schedule. I still want to run a half marathon. There are a lot of them to choose from, but I don't know if I want my first half to be in the rain and cold. I definitely need to channel my stress into something productive though, something that doesn't include cheese sauce and tater tots.

Sunday Funday

I'm starting to get into the swing of things for the term, but I just can't figure out where blogging is going to fit in. This may be where the blogging becomes a once or twice a week affair. I wanted to take some time and get you in the loop with the biznass these days.

I am taking 16 credits this term. I know, it's crazy. It wasn't exactly on purpose either, but I think I will benefit from all of my courses. My schedule is predominantly on Monday and Wednesday. On these days, I start my morning off around 6am with a short (3-4 mile) run or some time on the elliptical. If I have extra time I will get some weights in. Since I've been working on my pull ups, I try to get on the assisted pull up machine 4 times a week and build up my strength. I start out just on a regular bar and can bust 2 out barely muster the strength to lift my chin to the bar twice, then I head to the assist machine and do 3 sets of 10.

After morning sweat I head to my yoga class and have the luxury of practicing 20 minutes of meditation and 60 minutes of Vinyasa yoga. I cannot tell people enough about the benefits of yoga. I used to make fun of the yoga people, thinking I couldn't do a work out like that because it's "too slow" or "I don't sweat enough," but even for someone like me, who likes to work out hard, this brings such a balance to my work out routine and ultimately my life. As a woman, I feel that it's often impossible to shut my brain down. I'm constantly planning, contemplating, worrying and anticipating, but my yoga practice is facilitating a place and time to focus on living in the present and learning how to think and live positively. Also, I'm SORE. Like an-hour-of-ab-work sore. It's good.

As I get older, I think more and more about the things that will become increasingly important:

• Flexibility, both psychologically and physically
• Longevity and living long with minimal pain
• Finding peace with my identity and my relationships

These are just cores, or course. I also want to laugh a lot, eat awesome food, be a great friend, have a gorgeous baby, see a little more of the world, master my field, help people, learn what good wine is and have a lot of it... I just want to be really good at living a full life. In my opinion, my health has to come first in all of that. If I can't climb to the top of the mountain, I can't see the view!

Hello tangent, way to take over my blog.

Anyway, after that is my algebra class, followed by ceramics. Then I am taking an INCREDIBLE human relations class. I love my professor. He may even become my mentor. We shall see.

That "sinus infection" never went away. I think I officially have migraines, but I can't currently afford the testing. From my understanding they will try antibiotics first, in case of infection, then they will want to check my eyes and when they find out there is nothing wrong with my vision, a CT scan. Until I have the medical coverage, I may just be slowly killing my liver with daily mass quantities of NSAIDS. My head is killing me. 100% of the time.

Also, I died my hair red.

no filter

And I got some new clothes and trainers for the gym.

Oh, and I got the iphone 5c!!!

Lastly, I'm loving the new Lorde album, Pure Heroine. It's so hard to believe she's only a teenager. She dances a little on the line of all of her songs sounding the same, but I dig her sound, so I'm ok with it for now... until I get sick of it of course. I think my favorite is "Tennis Court" and since E has been gone for the day, I have been blasting it and dancing around the house. It's been a really wonderful day.

Depression.

I can sit here and make up all the excuses in the world, but truthfully I have none.

I'm experiencing a wave of depression that's taking no hostages.

I don't want to be negative and my purpose isn't to bring anyone down with me, but I am sure that some of you are experiencing something similar with the dramatic change in weather and the eminent dark abyss hanging over our heads. Others of you are unaffected. Either way, we all have seasons of down and seasons of up. I try to stay on the upside as much as possible, but sometimes, when enough variables work together, keeping my chin up is a little harder than other times. I always will keep my chin up, but it's been a little harder lately.

What happens when I experience depression:

• isolation
• exhaustion
• inability to think clearly
• anxiety

My case isn't helped much by the fact that I'm sick, not just in the depressed way. I have a sinus infection that won't quit. The infection itself leaves me with the sinus pressure that makes you feel like your eyes are going to explode, blind spots here and there and just an overall feeling that I'm going to pass out. No cough, runny nose or congestion. So maybe it's a sinus migraine that won't quit?

Whenever I experience any big changes in my life, this happens. I feel unstable. I get ill. Then, once I've adapted, the negative feelings and the sickness go away and I feel like myself again. It's an obnoxious pattern to go through. I've become accustomed to it over the years, but I would really like to find a way to avoid it completely. This may be something I need to approach with a therapist. I prefer not to medicate myself. I know that antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication can be very useful, but as a personal choice, I have always tried to manage them with diet, exercise and therapy.

It's hard to be a good friend when you feel so unlike yourself. It's even harder to be a good partner.

I don't feel all "woe is me." This shouldn't serve the purpose of anyone pitying me. It also shouldn't excuse any of my negative behavior. I think I just needed to talk about it. 

I have never been a super positive person. I have always considered myself a realist. I will tell you my view in 1st person, as I don't want to push my opinion on any of you. My viewpoint is that life is a series of seasons, ebb and flow. There will be times when joy comes easily and other times when I have to look harder for it... then there are times that I can't find it, no matter how hard I look, but there is peace in knowing that every season has an end. 

Happiness isn't my utmost goal, peace is. For me, peace is happiness. Then there's joy, but that's a whole different topic, that should be discussed while I'm feeling it. 

I believe in the power of positive thinking, but I'm really not very well practiced in it. Negative self-talk has kind of been my thing, forever. It has to do with a hard life. It also has to do with anxiety and fear, but neither of those things are an excuse. If you've been reading my blog for a bit, you've seen that I've tried some new things this year and learned about some of my challenges with that. Someday soon, I will not blame or punish myself, put myself down, or focus on the negatives. I will also do my best to not anticipate the worst. After all, what harm is there in anticipating the best? Is there harm in being uplifting toward myself? Why can't I look at my day and think "I understood my math class today, that feels awesome." Rather than "I didn't understand my math class the last 2 sessions, even though I understood it today, it's probably going to be difficult again."

That right there is clarifying. I hate how true that is to my thought process right now. 

I know for some of you, the positive thinkers of the bunch, this is probably hard to read. I'm also aware that it's probably not easy for you to be around me sometimes. I apologize for that, but I also have no shame in the fact that I am an individual who is learning a new way of thinking. 

In other news. I've still been working out. Yoga, weights, elliptical, the works. I've been eating a little more than usual, but I credit that to my immune system needing more energy... right? hahaha I know BS when I type it.  Nothing has been out of hand.

I do miss my Eugene Hunnies (honey=hunny, honies=hunnies... who am I? Pooh bear?). I think I will be making a trip down to see those gal pals, very soon. I sincerely hope that this blog hasn't been a big downer for you and that you were able to find some value in it. I also hope that my positive thinkers haven't given up on me yet.

Attitude Adjustment.

While I was meditating in my yoga class, I realized something. I am quite sour at this point in my life. 

I have been in a mood, lately. I don't know why. I have absolutely nothing to be frustrated about. Life is moving along swimmingly, aside from impending sickness. I have nothing to complain about, but my irritability is through the roof.

It's time for a attitude adjustment. Sometimes it's good to take a moment and reflect on your blessings, or luck, if you like that term better.

I am fed, clothed and sheltered.

I am loved.

I am healthy.

I am learning.

I have a partnership with a man who adores me.

I have loving family.

I have great friends.

I am moving toward something.

Maybe it's the changing of the seasons. Maybe it's the bit of fear I have about my education as it progresses. A saying comes to mind...

I believe it is really a challenge to live in the present. I constantly find myself reflecting on things for too long, punishing myself for saying or doing the "wrong" thing. Of course I believe in learning from mistakes and I never intend to hurt another soul, but is there really a right and wrong? Or is it more of a, learned or not learned? For instance, I said something to a dear friend the other day, that wasn't intended to be cruel, nor was it a false statement, but it hurt her. I have been dwelling on this for 3 days.  I have already apologized and have learned that I need to continue grooming the way I present my thoughts, or whether or not they need to be presented at all, yet I continue to punish myself. 

If I was living in the present, I would accept my mistake, acknowledge that I've done all I can to remedy it and forget about it. My love for this person is completely intact and there is nothing I can do about the past. But today! I woke up early and put together a bountiful healthy lunch, I lifted weights for 30 minutes and practiced yoga. I made it to my classes on time. I get to spend the next 3 hours producing art, and afterward, I get to go home to a man that loves me, a puppy that's missed me and maybe even some friends. I am a blessed woman. 

Whatever happens tomorrow isn't my concern.

I know I am strong.

I am bright.

I am affluent.

I am effective.

I am loving.

I am kind.

I am thoughtful.

What could really get in my way? 

Cranky For No Reason

Returning to college is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Which is probably easy to say, just because I've made a lot of bad decisions.

Going back to school, when you've passed the young, flighty and unreasonable season of life, leaves you with nothing but determination and focus. In general, I don't view my classes as a bore. I learn and retain information better than I ever have before.

But, I still don't know exactly what I want to be when I grow up.

Last night, when I got home from school, I came home to a clean kitchen, flowers on the counter and an invitation to dinner with E. He took me out for Korean BBQ and we ordered 3x the amount of food we needed. Fairly guilt free, as it's mostly meat and veggies... I also just had some leftovers for breakfast.

Dating E was also one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I don't have a lot to say, other than math is really hard and that I'm hoping this term doesn't kill me. As I was inspecting the requirements for an undergrad in psych, I discovered the need for additional math classes (statistics), once I leave the community college world. I find this necessary and disheartening at the same time.

Honestly guys, I think I'm getting sick. I think I have some awful flu around the bend. I am sleepy, but also restless. I have an achy body, sore throat, green snot, a headache and no desire to do anything. I failed to get up early and work out before school yesterday, but I must do it tomorrow. I need to enforce positive patterns. I ate too much pizza over the weekend, I haven't been drinking enough water. I haven't had a work out since I helped my sister move on Saturday.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm bloated. I am a danger to myself. These are the kind of days that lead to me gaining 5 lbs. These are the kind of days that I hate, but they are also the days that I need to put on my work out gear, run the errands, work out and get a good nights sleep. These days, when I don't care, are the days that define whether or not I'm really committed to being healthy.

Frankly, I'm dragging my feet, but I'm still moving. Better get on it while I'm feeling somewhat inspired.

Let's hope for something valuable, interesting and happy to blog about tomorrow!

The Painting

I missed my blog yesterday, I hope no one was counting on me for dinner recipes! I've posted my pulled pork and apple cabbage slaw for you in recipes if you're interested.

Yesterday I had an adventure with my friend Amy and her husband. Wednesday evening we decided we wanted to hike in the morning. I was at their place by 9:05 am and we were on our way to a 7.5 mile, 2100 ft climb. The hike is of Hamilton Mountain, and I recommend it. It is listed at a moderate level of difficulty, I would agree with that. It is not necessarily a walk in the park (hence the word hike).
We climbed pretty steadily for about 2 hours. So, take a couple rests if you need them, about a mile in there are these gorgeous waterfalls and pools. We kept on trucking mostly, by the time we reached the peak, I was pretty much done walking at an incline... for a while. It was a successful day. I'm still tired.. and hungry, it seems! We hit the trail around 10:10a, peaked at 12:15p and made it to the car by 2p.

I've been thinking about posting about that painting I've been working on and I'm struggling a little bit with the words.This is the first time that I have taken a long journey with one of my works... I think it has been helping me develop, as an artist and as a person. You see, it's a self portrait.

There was a point in my weight loss where I was really struggling with my idea of my body. If you've ever gone through the process, you know there are plenty of times where you just have no concept of what you actually look like from the outside. What should matter is how you feel, but sometimes you think you look like the same person you were 30 lbs ago.

So I made it my mission to overcome this. I wanted look at my body subjectively (like I do all models for figure painting), paint it realistically and not only love it, but find beauty in it.

This has proven to be difficult. I had some photos taken.

First wrong move: weed through them and find the one where I look thinnest.

It's in some awkward reclined position, but at the time, I couldn't bear to look at myself any other way. The painting only got more difficult from here. I found that I was just naturally changing my shape to be something it wasn't; thinning out the arms, whittling the waist, reducing the thighs... until it or I  didn't even look human. Then I left it there. On my bedroom wall, I looked at it every day, frustrated. Wondering what I could do to make it better, how I could fix it, whether or not it could be fixed. For about 9 months it has hung, untouched.

This kind of reminds me of my weight struggle. Of my plateaus. Of my lacking self esteem.

I picked up working on this painting again about a week ago. I sat down at just inspected the photos of myself. I looked at my painting and myself and began to see it for what it is. As the painting evolved, the legs got shorter, the breast got smaller, the middle wasn't quite so svelte, but the painting is becoming much better. The truth of it is, we have certain wants in life and for our bodies, but they don't always go together so well. It's all a game of acceptance and embracing. The beautiful woman is one who doesn't cry out for attention, because her self worth comes from within. She has embraced her circumstances and her body but is not without the capacity to grow. She doesn't obsess about her make up, clothes, or sex appeal... she just is. This simple act of just being, frees her up to love and be loved.

I know that's all very zen of me and you might be thinking: "Is she high?", but no, I just really want to be more like that woman. This painting is helping me get there. It's far from finished and so am I.

That's about all I have to say about that.

Modern House... girlfriend.

I try not to whine, but didn't I clean the kitchen today already? Twice?

MY GOD. I don't even have a kid, but I feel like all I do is clean. Wonder how that's going to change when the spawn arrives... Maybe I will be crazy erratic mom, who cleans up every little thing. More likely I will be smitten mom who forgets what a clean house looks like.

I hate to say it, because I know I will regret it, but I am so sick of staying at home and doing nothing but keeping the house and cooking. I would like a solid excuse to not make dinner and another one for why laundry has piled up, because right now, I don't have one and I am booooooooored of cooking, dishes and laundry. Not built to be a housewife, perhaps?

I did some painting the other day, just to mix it up. Then I ran out of an essential hue of paint, a non mixable one, called white. Still haven't made it to the art store.

My day of nothingness, was pretty on point. I did wash the bedding, do some laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep, but I finished 12 episodes of "Devious Maids" so.... embarrassing. I have enjoyed my vacation, but I need to go to a place where I can have snacks every 30 minutes and my brain is stimulated by something worthwhile and I have a reason to get out of bed before 9. Spoiled-brat-1st-world-problems. Forgive me.

Today on the agenda: Force myself to do something active. Eat less carbs than yesterday. Maybe see another human being in real life?

3 hours later...

I have accomplished my "something active." I did about 4.15 miles, the hard way. I have a loop that I do every so often, in one direction it has a tiny but steady downgrade with one 250 ft climb at the end. The hard way warms you up with a downgrade, then has a tiny but steady upgrade the whole route, and one 150 ft climb.

I would be lying to you if I said that I didn't walk a lot of it. I finished in about 47 minutes.

So far I have eaten less carbs. I had one egg and one piece of DKB toast for pre run fuel. Then I enjoyed some spoils from my sister's garden including some spicy pickled green beans. They are so yum but, they're making me sweat!

Also, last night E and I had an at home date. On said date, we covered various things in dark chocolate. That's normal and perfectly healthy, right?

Frozen bananas, raisins and grahams

I put some pork shoulder in the crock pot today.

I thought I might talk about this painting I've been working on, but I think I will do that tomorrow.

Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday, John Ritter.

TODAY I AM TIRED.

For no particular reason.

I intend to spend the day doing absolutely nothing.

Except diving into a riveting Lifetime series called "Devious Maids" while sporting my sexiest outfit (if you have a furry fetish), my infamous leopard print footie pajamas. Send your judgement my way, I'm far to sleepy and cozy to care.

I don't even really have anything to say. I'm sure you gathered that from yesterday's blog.

Have a good day.

Autumn

I got out of bed in a hurry (only because yesterday I did absolutely nothing) and put on my shorts and my awesome tee from the Emerald City Cat Fight and stepped outside with pup to get his weekly bath taken care of. I suddenly became very aware that it is Autumn. Well, technically, we're about a week early, but today, it was certainly Autumn. This was my "Hello, Fall" outfit. Excuse my face, the 24 Hour Fitness locker room and my inability to take a quality photo with an iPhone 3.

E had a long day prior, so when I sprung out of bed at 8 am, I quietly shut the door behind me and took care of some business. Business being laundry, dishes and dog walking. These things are my business. After I was finished with the business, I headed to the gym. I have decided (on a whim) that I really want to accomplish doing 10 pull ups. This is a huge number and effort for me. I have done 3 in a row, once. So any more than 3 will be an accomplishment that I'm proud of, but I am going to be doing my best to train up to 10 in the next 3 months. This might be hefty, because I doubt I can even do one in my current state.

After gym time, which included 35 minutes in the weight room, including my 35 push ups, some ab work and 45 minutes of high intensity cardio, I headed down to my sister, Erin's house, to raid her chicken coop and garden. I am quite pleased with my haul. I'm super into jalapeños right now. Even though too much of them cause some uncomfortable burning.... if you know what I mean. She helped me find a couple of big ripe tomatoes, a ton of jalapeños, some sweet yellow cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans and bell peppers. It's great having a place t go to pick fresh produce since it's not practical for E and I. I just wish they didn't live 30 minutes away!

Then I proceeded to renew my Costco Membership, do some grocery shopping and come home to get in full fledged Fall fashion. I picked apples from our tree, peeled, cored, cut and froze half. Then I made an apple pie, all the while simmering a big pot of chicken and brown rice soup. E and I enjoyed it, the pie is cooling and we are watching the Steelers/Bengals game. I wasn't quite ready for this season, but I do love it. I love to bake, go to the pumpkin patch, make different soups, dress up for Halloween and wear boots... but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to the boat and the sun yet!!!

Funny tid bit, my friend Lance is so sweet and thoughtful, he baked E and I an apple pie and delivered it just as I pulled mine out of the oven. Too in sync. In complete honesty, his apple pie kicked mine to the curb.

Astoria, Kim K and Mountains of Salt Water Taffy

Today is a day that I just don't feel like it. I made the mistake of waiting to work out today and now I'm terribly sleepy, all I want to do is nap.

E took me to the coast this weekend and spoiled me with a beautiful dinner right on the harbor in Astoria. I had every intention of taking photos, then I didn't, so here you go:

On the way home we stopped through Seaside and hit the Candyman's Salt Water Taffy outlet and bought about 25 lbs of salt water taffy. Then we got home, crawled into bed and ate about 10 pieces each. The worst part? I don't even really like it. What is my problem?

I was just enjoying lounging about with him and didn't pay attention and whoops! Sugar coma. I tried to get a little nutrition in yesterday, with a leftover homemade Mediterrenean turkey patty, some strawberries and raw vegetables, but went ahead and finished myself off with about 4 servings of TJ's reduced guilt pita chips, a mountain of wasabi peas and a bowl of Biyrani rice. Ugh. What's done is done, but man, embarrassing. I know I can do better. I just did it for 10 days!

Last night my sister came over and I did her hair, she wanted a big change, and a big change she got! It was a little bit of a drawn out process, but we finally got to a place where she was happy.

She's just so cool and hot at the same time I can't handle it.

Also, last night I dreamt that I was Kim Kardashian's BFF and Courtney threw my laptop in the pool as a prank (you know how they're all about pranks) and I was super pissed (this was all being filmed of course) and by the end of it Kim was crying and bought me a brand new Macbook Pro and an iPhone 5S, which, by the way, ARE EFFING CRAZY! Fingerprinting technology? No thanks, I'll go for the 5C. I will break that shit so fast. That or I will crash my car while trying to "open" my phone for someone who's sitting in the back seat, so they can look something up on GPS. 

My life is very important.

School countdown, 10 days.

Another Monday

(Sunday, September 8th....)

It's kind of challenging figuring out what kind of eater you're going to be once you've cleaned the slate. Really, it's been terribly frustrating. Call me a whiner and yes, these are definitely first world problems, but I am struggling with this.

It's hard to keep from gulping down coffee every morning and having pizza for dinner (and breakfast). So far I have enjoyed a breakfast sandwich from a great spot called Bing's in Seattle, that involved 2 eggs, 3 slices of bacon, cheddar cheese and a side of home fries. I did my best and left as much of the bread as I could and hardly touched the potatoes, but I didn't want to do it at all. Last night E's sister-in-law made this delicious pasta with a chicken, bacon, mushroom and artichoke heart cream sauce, you bet your ass I mowed that down. I finished the evening off with 1/2 a chocolate cupcake and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I can feel my gut expanding by the minute. 

I stood in the snack isle contemplating some sort of salty snack. After I agonized for a while, I decided against it. I grabbed a bottle of water and sullenly left the isle. E laughed. I was so frustrated I could cry.  I simply said "You should understand the conversation I have in my head before you laugh at me. It's unbelievably disheartening that I stand you and think to myself, 'I can have a snack or I can have lunch.'" I know the reality of this is healthy snacking, which I'm happy to do, but it sucks that when you're hoping to lose weight and you've had 2 small pancakes for breakfast, you have to make careful choices throughout the day. 

I get why people just decide not to care. I understand the desire to ignore nutritional labels and on occasion, I do. Some people might consider this to be an unhealthy obsession and truly, sometimes it is. Being a recovering bulimic, that is 20 lbs overweight seems impossible. Being addicted to food is an ultimate pain in the ass. Shifting one's thinking from food making you feel good to food keeping your body nourished, seems impossible. So what's the answer? Hypnosis? Therapy? Diligence? 

Still trying to figure it out.

We have been in Seattle, WA, because E is battling in the "Emerald City Cat Fight," which is the North American Gay Volleyball Association's big Seattle tournament. I am currently surrounded by 100s of athletic, attractive, sweaty men. Only a handful of them are interested in my flavor (E specifically), but I'm sure all of my twinkling stars would be in heaven. The gays and I get along pretty well, so I'm not having such a horrible time. 

However, one can only watch so much volleyball and I'm hungry. We've been at the gym since 8:30 this morning, it's 3:10pm and there is currently no end in sight.

Being here, has been a bit of an eye opening experience for me. I love my man. I really do, but I think I sacrifice too much. He and I have been on all of one trip together where he isn't playing volleyball all day long. He doesn't like to travel much, so when he does, he goes to compete. I love that he's athletic. It inspires me to stay on my course, but I don't really have a "thing." I thought running might be it, but I'm not so sure. Maybe I need to try some sports and see if anything suits my fancy. I told him maybe I should join a choir so he could come watch concerts every weekend. :)

I think I might dabble in some sports. It's a little hard to start doing something that I've never done before, as you've learned from previous posts, but maybe it's time to just get over it. Anyone want to start a kickball team?

(Monday, September 9th...)

I have just returned from a 4.15 mile run. I made the mistake of finishing the run with a giant hill. So that's about when the run became a walk. My heart was definitely pumping, so I think I was burning plenty of calories. I reeeeeeeeeeallly miss my running app and heart rate monitor. It seems funny to miss those things, but I really do. I am in desperate need of current technology.

Anywho. It's good to be home. It's time to hide the scale and try to start living my life healthfully. School starts in 2 weeks and thankfully we have some gorgeous weather ahead of us this week.

I hope you are well.

Now what?

Post cleanse weight:

154.8

I kind of did a 9 day cleanse...

• 1st meal: chicken, beans, rice
• 2nd meal: Banana, T PB
• 3rd meal: egg salad lettuce wraps
• 4th meal: glass of wine, butternut squash soup, salad, 3 saltines
• 5th meal: 3 vodka sodas
• 6th meal: glass of wine and around midnight, shared some homemade blue corn chip, and chicken nachos

That was a very lushy evening, but it was a good one. E and I went over to his parent's for dinner. They are moving out of their current home (the one E grew up in) so they have been going through everything and getting rid of stuff they don't care to move. I have managed a couple of awesome finds.

Is this not the cutest steamer pot you've ever seen???

After dinner we met of with friends at a bar, which felt weird. We used to be out and about quite often, but these days, 'round 9pm you can find us in bed watching a movie with Max and Lígo. It was nice to be out. After not having vodka for almost 3 weeks, it tasted really sweet. I kept thinking that she made my drink with tonic, but no. I had just forgotten what liquor tasted like. As you can see from my diary above, that didn't stop me from having 2 more. 

So, hypothetically, I am 10 lbs from my goal weight. That is, if I can keep off what was lost during the cleanse. I thought about joining one of those diet bets to see if that would inspire me, but that's really not much incentive for me. If you don't know what that link is, click it! Lazy! No, I'll tell you. I'm sure you and/or you mom have done something similar, when a group of people put into money into a pot and then whoever loses the most weight wins the money. Dietbetter is a little different. First of all, this is a website that gets a lot of attention, so hundreds and sometimes thousands, of people put into the pot. Someone starts a game and if you want to join one, you put money in the pot. It's a 4 week challenge, and the goal is to lose 4% of your body weight. I would have to lose 6.2lbs in a month. E just said he'll give me $50 when I lose it. Sounds good to me!

Today I have been pretty well behaved. I was thrilled to have a piece of toast and 2 slices of bacon for breakfast, but the real dime piece of the day was the "less-guilt" mac'n'cheese from TJs. It did not disappoint. I got a pretty good home work out in, that included 60 weighted squats, 70 second plank, 70 second superman, 35 push ups and then I did about 30 flights of stairs. I didn't stretch and at the moment, my hips are giving me hell.

latest snack

Also, how is it that bananas and peanut butter is best thing ever?

Cleanse Day 10

The final day.

I would never lie to you folks, but I have been avoiding blogging today, because I willingly drank wine last night. I thought about blaming Niki for peer pressuring me, but in reality, I wanted to. I haven't seen her in like a month or something and we have a long standing ritual of sitting on the porch and drinking wine. So. Judge me if you must. I'm already over it.

I have continued eating clean though!

Cleanse Day 9

155.8

• 1st meal: leftover steak and one fried egg
• 2nd meal: wasabi seaweed, fresh veggies and hummus, concord grapes
• 3rd meal: 1/2 serving almonds
• 4th meal: wine
• 5th meal: wine
• 6th meal: grilled chicken breast, black beans and whole grain spanish rice with zucchini, onion, garlic, tomato, green onion, cumin and oregano
• 7th meal: wine

Before the wine drinking, Niki and I went to the mall with Amy. I picked up a few essentials and found a beautiful and affordable winter coat. I also found a puffy vest which would be perfect for winter running and just being cute/snow bunny esque. I held off on them though. It's hard to be financially responsible. I just don't have the money for those things right now and I don't need them yet either. So they will have to wait. 

While Niki and I drank our wine, we decided to Skype with Jacob. It's been over a month since we've been face to face. It was really good to hang out. I don't know what I would do without Skype! We talked for something like 2.5 hours. 

I made dinner for E and I and we sat on the porch by the chimnea playing scrabble on his phone. We are old and boring, but I love it and him so much and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm starting to seriously consider my Halloween costumes and plans. Since I intend to be clad in verrrra tight fitting garb, I've got some work to do. Screw summer bodies, how about Halloween bodies?!

Cleanse Day 10

155.4

• 1st meal: 2 oz leftover grilled chicken, 1/3 c rice and beans
• 2nd meal: banana and peanut butter
• 3rd meal: ...

I will weigh in tomorrow, but I'm not anticipating much change. It's been great having your support and accountability. I feel that this cleanse has been a great success and I am excited for the next couple of months. My goals are starting to feel a lot more realistic than they ever have.

Now, I'm hungry.

Cleanse Day 9

Hello friends and readers and friends.

As you can see, I did a little re-designing. I am NO web design genius. I dated someone who was once, but we're not exactly friendly. Oh yeah and my favorite New Zealander is, but we can't even manage a Skype session, let alone design my blog... Anyway, I hope you like it. I have been just messing around and watching tutorials and such. I was sick of the standard layout and Aunt Lisa, you're right. I need a place for recipes. For the time being those page links are mostly empty, but over time I will be filling them up. 

After I left you yesterday, I did indeed go pump some iron. I lifted for about 40 minutes, including my 35 boy push ups and 70 second plank. I also added in a 70 second "super man" to strengthen my lower back. Pretty soon I need to bump it up to 40 push ups and 80 second planks... I'm trying to get E involved before it goes too far. Should I add squats in too? Probably. After lifting, I ran a quick mile and hopped on the elliptical for an additional 20 minutes.

that face. awesome.

I've started wearing my converse in the weight room. I want to get a pair of cross-trainers, but until I have the money, these will do. For those of you who buy expensive running shoes:

Please don't waste the limited amount of miles you get out of them.

Bring 2 pairs of shoes to the gym.

1 pair for running and 1 pair for everything else.

I've learned this lesson the hard way. I've burned through 3 pairs of Brooks, waaaay too fast. It ain't cheap. $110-130 per pair and I wasted them in places like the grocery store and weight room where I could wear $2 shoes if I wanted.

Cleanse day 8

155.4

• 1st meal: Fiber drink and pro biotic
• 2nd meal: 2 fried eggs (no oil)
• 3rd meal: 1/2 banana and a nectarine
• 4th meal: Wasabi seaweed snacks, concord grapes
• 5th meal: curried tuna salad lettuce wraps
• 6th meal: filet mingon and grilled jalapeños, zucchini and mushrooms
• 7th meal: little teeny tiny cheaty piece of dark chocolate

The lettuce wraps were tasty, it's the same recipe I have posted before, and I will add it to my recipes page as soon as I figure out how.

 

Then for dinner we kept it simple. E requested steak, or I might have had something a little healthier.

dinner for 2

I minced some garlic and threw it in with some olive oil, lemon juice, fresh thyme and S&P to brush on the vegetables. 

Cleanse day 9

155.8

No meals yet... I was hesitant to weigh, because my morning ritual isn't complete yet, if you know what I mean. So this also why I haven't eaten yet. I did take my probiotic and as soon as I'm done with this post I'm headed in for my fiber drink and breakfast. I really didn't eat enough veggies yesterday, so that may be precisely why I'm in my current predicament. Any way. 

As excited as I am for the cleanse to be over. I'm even more excited that I am so close to my goal weight. I need to keep that perspective, because I don't want to regain what I've lost, I want to continue losing. So the clean eating has to stick around. I have been toying with the idea lately of a throw away day. Do you know what I mean? 1 day a week, where I just allow whatever. Keep a list during the week of things that I'm craving and then on that one day a week, just go ham. I've heard of a lot of people having tremendous success with this. I'm going to keep thinking on it.

Tomorrow is my concluding day. It couldn't come sooner. 

Here's some photos of me opening a pickle jar. It was really hard.