Updatin'

Lately I've been having a difficult time sorting my thoughts.

I'm not very good at managing stress. Really, I avoid stressful situations. I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work this term has brought me and then all the sudden one of the happiest moments of my life. I got engaged.

                         

                         

People ask E and I how our relationship works. We have become the kind of relationship that many of our friends strive for. Maybe we got lucky, but not in the way of "soul mates". We got lucky because we have partners that understand that love, passion and commitment are not free. They don't come without work. That work comes in many forms. From simply listening and following through, to encouraging and pushing one another to improve. A good relationship, one that stands the test of time, is one that fosters growth, both personally and within the relationship. They always say "You can't be loved by someone until you love yourself." I can't agree with this more. Taking care of yourself, psychologically and physically is the greatest gift to your partner. The second greatest is patience, because somedays you will be ahead of the game, others you will be far behind, but either way you're in it together. You have to help each other stay at pace.

It is much easier to remain stagnant than to evolve, but stagnation is what makes us old. It's what closes our minds and makes us inflexible to change. This is a whole different tangent and I'm too young to be any sort of expert on the matter.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

It took about 6 days for me to fully realize I was engaged. I think I've fully realized it, but maybe in a month I will feel different. I honestly don't know how to conduct myself as a bride. I do know there's about a million things I have to think about and do, but frankly, the only time I have to do that is when I need to sleep. I have been taking herbal sleeping supplements to avoid losing nights of sleep. I think that all of these "bridey" tasks will have to wait until after this term is over. I do know that I am shooting for a late July date, 7 months is enough time to plan a wedding.... right?

I'm very happy and it's a time for celebration, so I'm working on chilling out and having a good time.

In other news:

I have NO desire to work out. This week I have done one 5 mile run and a couple sessions of yoga. I'm starting to feel pretty nervous about squeezing into my halloween costume, but whatever. I haven't gained any weight, just getting a bit soft. I have of course, set my goal weight loss for before the wedding. I would like to lose 10-15 lbs by the time I'm trying on wedding gowns. I plan to do this by going paleo. I really do agree with this kind of nutrition, but it doesn't change how much I enjoy cheese and bread. This is something E and I are going to take on together. At the moment, I'm thinking 6 days a week paleo and 1 day off. My sister and her husband have been doing paleo and have had great success. I'm hoping my skin will clear up.

                   

I also need to make a new training schedule. I still want to run a half marathon. There are a lot of them to choose from, but I don't know if I want my first half to be in the rain and cold. I definitely need to channel my stress into something productive though, something that doesn't include cheese sauce and tater tots.

Sunday Funday

I'm starting to get into the swing of things for the term, but I just can't figure out where blogging is going to fit in. This may be where the blogging becomes a once or twice a week affair. I wanted to take some time and get you in the loop with the biznass these days.

I am taking 16 credits this term. I know, it's crazy. It wasn't exactly on purpose either, but I think I will benefit from all of my courses. My schedule is predominantly on Monday and Wednesday. On these days, I start my morning off around 6am with a short (3-4 mile) run or some time on the elliptical. If I have extra time I will get some weights in. Since I've been working on my pull ups, I try to get on the assisted pull up machine 4 times a week and build up my strength. I start out just on a regular bar and can bust 2 out barely muster the strength to lift my chin to the bar twice, then I head to the assist machine and do 3 sets of 10.

After morning sweat I head to my yoga class and have the luxury of practicing 20 minutes of meditation and 60 minutes of Vinyasa yoga. I cannot tell people enough about the benefits of yoga. I used to make fun of the yoga people, thinking I couldn't do a work out like that because it's "too slow" or "I don't sweat enough," but even for someone like me, who likes to work out hard, this brings such a balance to my work out routine and ultimately my life. As a woman, I feel that it's often impossible to shut my brain down. I'm constantly planning, contemplating, worrying and anticipating, but my yoga practice is facilitating a place and time to focus on living in the present and learning how to think and live positively. Also, I'm SORE. Like an-hour-of-ab-work sore. It's good.

As I get older, I think more and more about the things that will become increasingly important:

• Flexibility, both psychologically and physically
• Longevity and living long with minimal pain
• Finding peace with my identity and my relationships

These are just cores, or course. I also want to laugh a lot, eat awesome food, be a great friend, have a gorgeous baby, see a little more of the world, master my field, help people, learn what good wine is and have a lot of it... I just want to be really good at living a full life. In my opinion, my health has to come first in all of that. If I can't climb to the top of the mountain, I can't see the view!

Hello tangent, way to take over my blog.

Anyway, after that is my algebra class, followed by ceramics. Then I am taking an INCREDIBLE human relations class. I love my professor. He may even become my mentor. We shall see.

That "sinus infection" never went away. I think I officially have migraines, but I can't currently afford the testing. From my understanding they will try antibiotics first, in case of infection, then they will want to check my eyes and when they find out there is nothing wrong with my vision, a CT scan. Until I have the medical coverage, I may just be slowly killing my liver with daily mass quantities of NSAIDS. My head is killing me. 100% of the time.

Also, I died my hair red.

no filter

And I got some new clothes and trainers for the gym.

Oh, and I got the iphone 5c!!!

Lastly, I'm loving the new Lorde album, Pure Heroine. It's so hard to believe she's only a teenager. She dances a little on the line of all of her songs sounding the same, but I dig her sound, so I'm ok with it for now... until I get sick of it of course. I think my favorite is "Tennis Court" and since E has been gone for the day, I have been blasting it and dancing around the house. It's been a really wonderful day.

Depression.

I can sit here and make up all the excuses in the world, but truthfully I have none.

I'm experiencing a wave of depression that's taking no hostages.

I don't want to be negative and my purpose isn't to bring anyone down with me, but I am sure that some of you are experiencing something similar with the dramatic change in weather and the eminent dark abyss hanging over our heads. Others of you are unaffected. Either way, we all have seasons of down and seasons of up. I try to stay on the upside as much as possible, but sometimes, when enough variables work together, keeping my chin up is a little harder than other times. I always will keep my chin up, but it's been a little harder lately.

What happens when I experience depression:

• isolation
• exhaustion
• inability to think clearly
• anxiety

My case isn't helped much by the fact that I'm sick, not just in the depressed way. I have a sinus infection that won't quit. The infection itself leaves me with the sinus pressure that makes you feel like your eyes are going to explode, blind spots here and there and just an overall feeling that I'm going to pass out. No cough, runny nose or congestion. So maybe it's a sinus migraine that won't quit?

Whenever I experience any big changes in my life, this happens. I feel unstable. I get ill. Then, once I've adapted, the negative feelings and the sickness go away and I feel like myself again. It's an obnoxious pattern to go through. I've become accustomed to it over the years, but I would really like to find a way to avoid it completely. This may be something I need to approach with a therapist. I prefer not to medicate myself. I know that antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication can be very useful, but as a personal choice, I have always tried to manage them with diet, exercise and therapy.

It's hard to be a good friend when you feel so unlike yourself. It's even harder to be a good partner.

I don't feel all "woe is me." This shouldn't serve the purpose of anyone pitying me. It also shouldn't excuse any of my negative behavior. I think I just needed to talk about it. 

I have never been a super positive person. I have always considered myself a realist. I will tell you my view in 1st person, as I don't want to push my opinion on any of you. My viewpoint is that life is a series of seasons, ebb and flow. There will be times when joy comes easily and other times when I have to look harder for it... then there are times that I can't find it, no matter how hard I look, but there is peace in knowing that every season has an end. 

Happiness isn't my utmost goal, peace is. For me, peace is happiness. Then there's joy, but that's a whole different topic, that should be discussed while I'm feeling it. 

I believe in the power of positive thinking, but I'm really not very well practiced in it. Negative self-talk has kind of been my thing, forever. It has to do with a hard life. It also has to do with anxiety and fear, but neither of those things are an excuse. If you've been reading my blog for a bit, you've seen that I've tried some new things this year and learned about some of my challenges with that. Someday soon, I will not blame or punish myself, put myself down, or focus on the negatives. I will also do my best to not anticipate the worst. After all, what harm is there in anticipating the best? Is there harm in being uplifting toward myself? Why can't I look at my day and think "I understood my math class today, that feels awesome." Rather than "I didn't understand my math class the last 2 sessions, even though I understood it today, it's probably going to be difficult again."

That right there is clarifying. I hate how true that is to my thought process right now. 

I know for some of you, the positive thinkers of the bunch, this is probably hard to read. I'm also aware that it's probably not easy for you to be around me sometimes. I apologize for that, but I also have no shame in the fact that I am an individual who is learning a new way of thinking. 

In other news. I've still been working out. Yoga, weights, elliptical, the works. I've been eating a little more than usual, but I credit that to my immune system needing more energy... right? hahaha I know BS when I type it.  Nothing has been out of hand.

I do miss my Eugene Hunnies (honey=hunny, honies=hunnies... who am I? Pooh bear?). I think I will be making a trip down to see those gal pals, very soon. I sincerely hope that this blog hasn't been a big downer for you and that you were able to find some value in it. I also hope that my positive thinkers haven't given up on me yet.