Few and Far Between

I am experiencing a "don't want to work out, don't care what I eat" lull. 

It's Spring. For me, that means prying myself out of the depths of PTSD induced depression. I know, I write a lot about depression. I'm sorry to be so depressing. I am most inclined to write when I am feeling less than awesome. Because when I'm feeling awesome? I would rather just live it. So, that's that.

I need to be clear, I am NOT sad. In fact I feel just fine, other than being overwhelmingly tired and lacking motivation. I feel great. This last week, I finished off the term, got some wedding details sorted, ran a 5k, spent time with friends. I have been eating pretty much everything in sight. Starting with all the chocolate, pizza and Indian food (if you haven't eaten at Bollywood Theatre, you should) the world has to offer. I am out of the swing of things, and that's ok, because this is just what my body does to deal with the added stress caused by the smells, sounds and feelings of spring. In a couple of weeks I will be back to normal. Every year it becomes more and more predictable.

I get to go see my lifelong bestie, Bethany on Sunday, and for 4 days straight! On my agenda:

- Eat many baked goods (she is a pastry chef)

- Drink too much, at least once

- Take a beautiful hike

- Eat at a fancy restaurant, where I can be overly critical and overpay, but thoroughly enjoy my experience.

- Meet all of her friends

- Watch some Disney 

- Laugh

It will be nice to get out of town and I hope to come back feeling well rested and ready to get back into summer/wedding body mode again. I am planning to Advocare cleanse starting on the 31st, any takers?

I will be making a workout schedule soon, because it's almost time for me to start training for a HALF MARATHON. It's crazy-pants, but I'm really going to try to get there. With the wedding and all of the festivities, I don't want to stress myself too much with the training. We shall see. I'm going to chat with Beth about it, because she's a veteran, maybe she can give me some pointers. 

I will be cutting back on my lifting, I have been doing 3 days, but it may become just 1 day a week. I will shoot for 2. I really love what it does for my body, but heavy lifting is counteracting to long distance running. I will be doing some research and if anyone has any pointers, they should let me know!

E and I took some engagement photos, I thought I might give you some to look at. They're just roughs, so don't get too critical. 

Now I'm going to go pick up my little sister to go to my house and watch Frozen, again. I think I will be a great mom, strictly because I love watching kid movies on repeat... It's like I'm 3 years old. Except, not.

I have a great paleo cookie recipe I made up! I will post it soon.

Scale Addict

Owning a scale for a recovering bulimic, is like always keeping alcohol in the house for an alcoholic.

It's just a bad, inconsiderate idea. (To be clear, am the inconsiderate one).

I know I've blogged about this before and I'm doing it again. I am so SICK, of thinking about my weight. My god, I am not a number on the scale. I am not defined by it, but these days it sure feels like it. 

It's like I'm having a scale relapse. I do well for a while and stay away from it, or weigh myself once a week, then bam! I'm back at it. Every. Damn. Day. I weigh myself and eat according to the number and wait until I get a number I like (ahem, 152), then I celebrate by living like a normal person again and watch the number climb back to 155.

I'm so tired of looking at 155. It makes me feel so discouraged. I don't feel like I'm that weight. In reality, I feel pretty good. I feel 10 lbs lighter than that. I also feel like I should be 10 lbs lighter.

BUT, I think about what I would have to do to get those last 10 lbs off of me and I sound like a big baby, but I just don't want to. 

I already work out 6 days a week, I practice eating in moderation and cook healthy meals. I am a healthy person. I don't want to have to eliminate things that I enjoy. More power to the people who have made health and fitness their lives, i think that's great, but it just isn't me. I don't even want it to be me.

I want to feel good, look good, and be good. I don't want to run a marathon, compete in a fitness competition or climb Mount Everest. I just want to be a better version of myself, every day.

I know these things in my heart, but I so easily get distracted by fluctuations and obsessed with the number. It's no way to live.

So this was my confession, I am having a scale relapse and it's time to move on. The scale is going away. So I can remember why I live healthfully. So I can learn to love myself the way that I am. 155 or otherwise.

It's In the Journey... right?

I fear I won't ever reach the 140s.

I know I will, but god damn. This is not even CLOSE to easy anymore. I have been weighing myself, despite gender induced water retention. I am back at good ole 155. We've been friends for a long time, 155, but I don't like you anymore and would appreciate you biting the dust already.

I fall of the wagon a bit on the weekends, so that could use some work. I wasn't referring to the sobriety wagon, but I may as well be, because them vodka sodas have to go somewhere and they really prefer to be soaked up with things like tater tots, nachos or my personal fave: pizza.

I have gotten over the hump of skipping my work outs after a night out, but it doesn't mean I enjoy it and also doesn't prevent delicious sausage and bacon from coming out of no where and falling into my belly. I don't even know how it happens... 

My favorite passtime is planning, preparing, serving and enjoying a meal with friends and/or family. I freaking love it, and I usually behave well whilst cooking, I also find that after slaving over it, I'm less likely to gorge, but the problem with being a good cook (if I do say so myself) is I can cook literally whatever I could possibly think of at any moment in time. Homemade Alfredo? Pizza from scratch? Delicious fried Chinese? Thai pad kee mao? Indian Korma? I'll have one of each please. E and I don't even eat out very often. Don't have to. (Note: I had to give up Alfredo completely... Too good and too bad at the same time. Made me crazy.)

I love my shakes because it takes the guess work out of one meal a day. On days that I'm gone all day, I put something in the crock pot in the morning. Today it's chicken breast with pineapple, peppers, onion and "soyaki" sauce from trader joes. E will put brown rice on an hour before I get home and voila! Dinner. I don't really have a big lunch. I had 1/2 c pineapple, some jerky and a fresh juice. I do great on weekdays!!!! I need to work on this on the weekends. I think I may have to do away with hard alcohol. At least for the time being. I love my wine. It's easier to manage and better for my body, so hopefully I will see/feel a difference.  

Today was a low body lift day. I skipped my sprints, because I was just NOT feeling it today. I did about 3, 20 second sprints at an elevation of 6 and 9.5 mph... It didn't feel good. So I stopped. I still got a great work out in, and some abs. I can see my body changing, but like the rest of the world, I'm wishing for that fast forward button! 

Tomorrow is a run (jog really). I think I'll push for 5 or 6. It's been a while since I went over 5 miles. I am all signed up for the Shamrock 5k, the Rum Run 10k in May and the Canby Dahlia Half in august. If anyone wants to join me for any or all or these, let me know! 

I know that it's not about this, and I promise I don't always think this way, but man, it would be nice to just be skinny already. 

 One day at a time.

Shakeology

I have had a few of you ask about Shakeology and how/why I like it. Here goes.

I am reluctant to jump on any diet band wagon. Actually more than hesitant, I generally avoid them at all costs. Shakeology is not a diet for me, although it can help you lose weight. I was on the hunt for a supplement. I eat a lot of food. Due to my past eating disorder issues I am always searching for balance, where I actually get enough nutrition, without going overboard. Having a supplement is really helpful for me, especially in the morning. I like to work out in the mornings, but in order to do that effectively, I can't be too empty or too full.  Shakes are perfect for me. I don't feel bogged down and I loathe cramps while running. I make a shake in the morning, and feel comfortable to work out. Not only that, I am not hungry for at least 3 hours. If you have experience supplementing, you know that sometimes they are not satisfying for very long. Not the case with shake-o.

The reasons I chose shakeology out of all the shakes out there, are aplenty. First and foremost- it is extremely nutrient rich.  It has pre-biotic and pro-biotic, vitamins, about 25% of your daily fiber intake. There isn't another shake out there like it. Trust me, I researched. 

I make mine with 8oz of unsweetened almond milk, If I am making a chocolate shake, I add about a half of a frozen banana, 3 ice cubes and 1 T peanut butter. It equals about 280 calories. With the Greenberry, I add 1/4 c. frozen fruit (I prefer raspberries) only about 210 calories. Having two flavors on hand is really nice. Out of all the people I know who use it, Greenberry and chocolate are the favorites, but I have been hearing a lot about the strawberry, which I haven't tried yet.

It's more expensive than slim fast and straight whey protein, but for me, it's worth it. The added benefits of the vitamins, probiotics and fiber keep me feeling energetic, healthy and regular. :) essentially, if you are taking any vitamin supplements, fiber or probiotics, once you start shakeology you can stop. It's all inclusive. In addition to increased energy, I have also noticed my moods have improved and I have felt more level. I also have bypassed the colds and flus of January. I just feel better. I feel balanced.

In other news: I got my nails and toes done and the nail lady said that I have "very nice feet, soft and small." So that was nice. 

If you have more questions about Shakeology, fitness DVDs or what have you, please let me know! I'll hook you up.

How I Roll

I never make promises that I can't keep. Which is precisely why I made no promises about the timeliness of my blogging.

Yet here I am again. I want to talk about things that Facebook could give to shits about, so, hi. Big Hello to my friends and some random readers (stalkers) who aren't really my friends, (but certainly could be!). Let's be real though, I'm not really stalk-worthy. I would have to be interesting, uber hawt or funny for that.

Moving on.

The term is settling in fairly nicely. As is my goal to lose weight for the wedding, plan the wedding and still be awesome. No easy task my friends.

Lately I have been having a fruit and veggie juice 4 times a week and starting my days with Shakeology. I just switched over to Greenberry flavor and I am loving it. If you have ever had the green tea latte from Starbucks, it's kind of like that. Very matcha-ey, also fruity and delicious, much better than the vegan chocolate flavor. I have also become a Quest bar addict and have taken E down with me. Thankfully his favorite is the cinnamon roll one, so I get lucky that he doesn't eat all of my delicious, wonderful, miraculous cookie dough flavor. Seriously, they are heavenly. If you haven't tried them yet, you're wasting time. They're expensive but in my opinion, TOTALLY worth it. I have also been trying to keep my empty carbs low. (Translated: I only drink 4 nights a week instead of 7! Not literally, but also... literally).

I work out kind of a lot these days. I am burning between 500 and 900 calories 6 days week in my work outs which consist of running (logging about 10-12 miles a week), sprints (2-3 times a week), and all of the WEIGHTLIFTING. Last time around I utilized mostly machines, this time around I'm going with free weights which has proven to be more difficult, but also more rewarding (isn't that how it goes?). Also, I look like a freaking monster when I do it, which is awesome. People don't really talk to me in the weight room. I think I'm too busy grunting, screaming and loudly exhaling. I think my weight lifting gloves and beastly quads may also contribute to the intimidation factor... I could be wrong. I may not be intimidating at all. I may just smell bad.

Mostly, I have been roughly following Brandi's (from Mama Laughlin) weight lifting plan, because, let's get real, her ass looks grrrrrrrrrreat! I am always looking for new moves to stir it up though. I am excited to give you all some before and afters, but probably after the swelling from copious amounts of seafood goes down and the curse of the has vagina passed. So I am thinking in about 12 days?

In other news I got down to a REAL 152. In the middle of the day, 152lbs. That's a big freaking deal for me. I am giving myself 2 weeks to reach the 140s, so here goes nothing!

Life has been good. My laptop broke. That was sad... but it broke while I was working out on the elliptical and now my skinny jeans look a lot better than they used do... SO that's a plus. (Did you ever wonder what optimism is? That was it.)

Re-entering Blogosohere

Hey strangers, it's been a while.

A lot has been going on in my world. Mostly what detracted from my blogging was an EXTREMELY challenging term in school. I can't tell you how many times I wept into my college algebra book, but thank heavens! It's over and I've passed! Other than that, I've mostly been trying to figure out what it means to be a bride, to plan a wedding, to be healthy and happy.

Weddings are a crazy business, but I have been extremely blessed by my future in-laws and a wonderful man that has stood by me and at times carried me through it all. I, of course, want to be the most beautiful and fit bride in the whole wide world, so I have been doing my best to hit the gym and take care of myself.

In the "take care of myself" sector, I have dipped my toes into the ocean of Beachbody. My girlfriend Rachel is a coach and she had so many wonderful things to say about drinking Shakeology shakes, that I just had to see for myself. I love having a supplement on hand. Lately I've been having a shake for breakfast and fresh juice in the afternoon. I have been trying to have a light lunch and really whatever I want for dinner.... within reason of course. E and I also got the T25 workouts. T25 is NO JOKE. The results are great and show themselves rapidly, but it is HARD. All caps H-A-R-D. I would recommend it to anyone, especially to those without access to a gym or a lot of time to spend sweating it out. It's only 25 minutes. It's over before you know it. If you are interested in Shakeology or all things Beachbody, feel free to check out my girl's page Rachel Davis Fitness Coach. She's really awesome and encouraging. She is a great asset to my fit life and can be for you also, no matter what your fitness level is.

Just recently I went through a bit of a depression. After the holidays I was so burnt out and really missing my parents. I was also experiencing some insecurities and some real bad habits started sneaking up on me. I had a really difficult time getting out of bed for about a week. If you've ever been depressed, you know what this feels like. Sweet E comes to me at about day 5, and says "I love you babe, but you've got to know, that at some point you just have to get out of bed and fake it until you make it." I was pretty pissed when he said it, because that meant I had to get out of bed, when everything in my being was telling me to hibernate.

The next day, on my mom's (what would be) 54th birthday, I got out of bed. I did it for her and I did it for me and for the person I want to be. I went on a hike. I went out for dinner with friends. I cried. I sweat. I laughed... and even though I wasn't 100% there, it felt a lot better. It's been only 3 days since then. Since school has started back up again and thankfully is not a stress-fest, I have been out of the house, working out hard, being stimulated and feeling a lot better.

I have to head to class, but in the next few days, I want to throw some numbers (measurements, weight etc) and my current plan at you. I am going to be seeing some serious results in the next 8 weeks. I just know it. So maybe you'll even get some before pics!

Thanks for reading. Hope this finds you well.

Updatin'

Lately I've been having a difficult time sorting my thoughts.

I'm not very good at managing stress. Really, I avoid stressful situations. I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work this term has brought me and then all the sudden one of the happiest moments of my life. I got engaged.

                         

                         

People ask E and I how our relationship works. We have become the kind of relationship that many of our friends strive for. Maybe we got lucky, but not in the way of "soul mates". We got lucky because we have partners that understand that love, passion and commitment are not free. They don't come without work. That work comes in many forms. From simply listening and following through, to encouraging and pushing one another to improve. A good relationship, one that stands the test of time, is one that fosters growth, both personally and within the relationship. They always say "You can't be loved by someone until you love yourself." I can't agree with this more. Taking care of yourself, psychologically and physically is the greatest gift to your partner. The second greatest is patience, because somedays you will be ahead of the game, others you will be far behind, but either way you're in it together. You have to help each other stay at pace.

It is much easier to remain stagnant than to evolve, but stagnation is what makes us old. It's what closes our minds and makes us inflexible to change. This is a whole different tangent and I'm too young to be any sort of expert on the matter.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

It took about 6 days for me to fully realize I was engaged. I think I've fully realized it, but maybe in a month I will feel different. I honestly don't know how to conduct myself as a bride. I do know there's about a million things I have to think about and do, but frankly, the only time I have to do that is when I need to sleep. I have been taking herbal sleeping supplements to avoid losing nights of sleep. I think that all of these "bridey" tasks will have to wait until after this term is over. I do know that I am shooting for a late July date, 7 months is enough time to plan a wedding.... right?

I'm very happy and it's a time for celebration, so I'm working on chilling out and having a good time.

In other news:

I have NO desire to work out. This week I have done one 5 mile run and a couple sessions of yoga. I'm starting to feel pretty nervous about squeezing into my halloween costume, but whatever. I haven't gained any weight, just getting a bit soft. I have of course, set my goal weight loss for before the wedding. I would like to lose 10-15 lbs by the time I'm trying on wedding gowns. I plan to do this by going paleo. I really do agree with this kind of nutrition, but it doesn't change how much I enjoy cheese and bread. This is something E and I are going to take on together. At the moment, I'm thinking 6 days a week paleo and 1 day off. My sister and her husband have been doing paleo and have had great success. I'm hoping my skin will clear up.

                   

I also need to make a new training schedule. I still want to run a half marathon. There are a lot of them to choose from, but I don't know if I want my first half to be in the rain and cold. I definitely need to channel my stress into something productive though, something that doesn't include cheese sauce and tater tots.